Hold up, wait a minute...

PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN IT!
I have no idea why i'm listening to this song...
I was reading my giant and entirely satisfying book of fairy tales, but there are some things that just bother me.
Things That Are Wrong With Fairytales
1. Why are the heroines/damsels always perfect? "There was a little girl/princess/babe and she was beautiful and cheerful and perfect and everyone loved her so much that they named the village after her and her name was revered in all history books from then on, even though she'd never done anything significant except for being beautiful and cheerful and perfect."
Even Sleeping Beauty started out flawed until those stupid fairies came and perfected her.

2. Actually, Sleeping Beauty was kind of a ditz. "La la la, I shall go up to the tallest, darkest, gloomiest tower and poke sharp objects!" She definitely didn't win that prince over with her brains.

3. It said that the Three Bears thought their porridge was too hot, so they went on a walk to wait for it to cool. Yet Papa Bear's is still hot when Goldilocks gets there? Was his like molten lava to begin with? And how is Mama Bear's ice cold? Is she crazy or was it opposite day or...???

4. ESPECIALLY IF THE PORRIDGE CAME FROM THE SAME BATCH!!!

5. I dunno. Magic bowls??

6. Ugh. Little Red Riding Hood is stupid, too. And perfect. "Everyone loved her, bla bla bla bla." If she'd lived in MY village, I would've beat her up. A perfect little red hooded girl is just too intimidating.

7. And how did the hunter know the wolf had eaten the old chick and her granddaughter? Well, stupid question, but HOW DID HE KNOW HOW TO GET THEM OUT? Is he like the master surgeon or something?

8. Wouldn't the wolf have died as soon as they cut him open? Or not DIE, but wouldn't like 25 vital organs have been destroyed in the process? And cutting through bone? HELLO? BROTHERS GRIMM?

9. "But the rocks were so heavy that he fell down dead." WHY? Well, actually, no idea why, but it wasn't because they were HEAVY, genius.

10. I never really liked the story of "The Three Billy Goats Gruff". It was kind of dumb. And in this book the story was ultra condensed. It was only A PAGE LONG. WITH MINIMUM ILLUSTRATIONS! Just so dumb. Hate.

11. On the giantess in "Jack and the Beanstalk": wouldn't she get it by now? "The last boy was a thief, but you look nice." "The last two boys were thieves, but you look nice." Not only is it the SAME GUY, but doesn't this prove that you're really stupid about little boys??? "I only got robbed the last two times, and you're the same height, gender, and species. Come on in!" And as Lachlan would say: "And stay a while!"

Yeah. What happened? I got all cynical. LIKE ASHLEY WILKES STOCKINGDALE! Aaah.
You know, "Luv Addict" could really be about drugs.
"No," you say. "That's not true. They're just joking! It's really about love, not drugs!"
And "Candy Shop" isn't about sex...