...And why you should never cheat on your girlfriend when both she and her best friend have a Nokia picture phone, especially when she has the song "Luke and Danny" as her ring tone: A story that takes place in Canada because people say "snap".
There you have it. The title to the idiotic story I wrote so long ago... Okay, like two springs ago. This is just a TASTE of what was going on in my mind in seventh grade. There are some bits that you should just ignore.
I have "Ballroom Blitz" stuck in my head. No clue why.
And yes, I have come out of my suicidal funk. But I'm still a horrible person. With a horse patronus. Sucka...
And I have yet to edit my profile.
So, here you go:
Jake was down. His guitar was out of tune. His picture phone was recharging. [Remember, this is based off cellphone commercial, so everyone in this story is obsessed with cellphones. Okay. That's it. Shutting up.] Not only that, he felt inferior. His mom was a supermodel and his dad was an Irish folk singer. Jake looked down at his combination clock radio, which was blue and cost $10.95 at Wal-Mart. It was 2:30. Maybe he should go chill at the nearest AM/PM... [Also, Nathan had a huge obsession with AM/PM back then, so yeah...]
* * * *
Whitney was down. [I love that word.] Her mom had OCD and ripped down all the posters on her wall, moved around the furniture, gotten a new carpet [oops. Bad grammar.], and repainted her room NEON YELLOW. [I should add the word "had" in front of ripped, but I'm too lazy and I want to show this as my 7th grade self wrote it.] Oh yeah, and her dad threw out all the Diet Pepsi because he though diet soda caused cancer. Could life get any worse? She looked over at her combination clock radio, which was NEON ORANGE and didn't work, but she kept it anyway because it totally went with her now yellow room. [Ew...that was a horrible sentence. Kill me.] It was 2:30. Maybe she should go buy some Diet Pepsi at the nearest AM/PM.
* * * *
Jake looked at a package of Twinkies. They looked delicious and yellow. He reached into his pocket.
"Aw snap!" He exclaimed. "I only have KELLOG COUPONS!!" He contemplated shoplifting the tasty Hostess snack cakes.
"Hey," said the cashier. "No stealing tasty Hostess snack cakes." Snap. The cashier was obviously a mind-reader.
"Ew, that is so nasty," someone next to Jake said. "If something doesn't mold overnight, it has no nutritional value and probably has more calories than the state of Denmark." Jake looked up and saw Whitney. [Wtf? Is she really tall?]
Whoa, Whitney thought as she looked into his "intense" brown eyes. (description sponsored by Mr. Griffith of Fairview Jr. High) I totally want to marry you. [Yes, gentlemen, that is how women think: LONG-TERM.]
Whoa, Jake thought as he looked in her dark blue eyes. (description sponsored by Erin Hunter and Mr. Griffith of Fairview Jr. High.) You know where Denmark is! You could TOTALLY help me pass geography. [Actually, what she said didn't imply she knew where Denmark was. Aaah, I just remembered the end of this story and it's really making me cringe with disgust.] Whitney moved the Diet Pepsi she was holding to the other hand.
"Hey, I'm Whitney." Jake shook it and smiled.
"Hey baby." [OMGEEZ. That had something to do with Jason Dunn. And I can't remember where the "snap" thing came from. Probably from him. HATE.] He noticed a cell phone hanging in a cell phone holder (where else?) at her waist. "Nice phone."
* * * *
One week later...
"Hey Whitney, you going to the party that will involve dancing, food, and most likely alcohol even though we're all under 21? (30 for Miller Lite)" Whitney's friend Aleesha asked. [AAAAAH, there was that Miller Lite commercial where they wouldn't let the 21 year olds drink it and I seriously thought that was the LAW or something. Hate myself.] Whitney looked downhearted. She smiled sadly.
"Nope, I have to study. could you keep any eye on Jake for me?" Since the fateful meetin at AM/PM, Jake and Whitney had been going steady. [Sooooo 50's...] For one week, they were doing okay. Jake had called her once in the past 168 hours. [When I have a boyfriend, I will never call him and he will never call me. I'll just get a Myspace and comment him or something.] Aleesha grinned.
"Sure," she said as she whipped out her NOKIA PICTURE PHONE. (remember this, it's IMPORTANT) [I still don't know which is proper: punctuation AFTER parentheses, or before, therefore ending the sentence.] Whitney grinned, flipped her straight brown hair, and began a Pamela Anderson on "Baywatch"-like run into the library. [That one's for my BFF Toni. Lol.]
* * * *
At the party...
Aleesha spied Jake, with his normally curly hair spiked, talking to two girls who were OBVIOUSLY NOT WHITNEY (dun dun dun). She smirked, wielded her magic picture phone, took a picture, and sent it to Whitney.
At the libary...
Whitney woke from sleeping in her history textbooks to hear her phone beep. Someone (Aleesha, no doubt) had sent her a picture...OF JAKE CHEATING!!!! There was a text message: Sorry about Jake
Whitney groaned with disappointment. Someone heard her groan... He looked up. So did Whitney. An extremely hot Greek-looking guy who slightly resembled "Doctor McDreamy" on "Grey's Anatomy" smiled back at her. [I am going to bad writer hell.] Whitney raised her fine eyebrows, which she inherited from her obsessive compulsive mother. [I shall roast slowly among pages ripped from "Eragon" and "Eldest" and "Jake and Whitney..."] She smiled back and sent Aleesha a text message back. Jake who?
Moral(s):
PICTURE PHONES COME IN HANDY IF YOUR BOYFRIEND CHEATS ON YOU.
IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND, SHE WILL PROBABLY FIND OUT FROM HER BEST FRIEND ALEESHA, WHICH IS THE COOLEST NAME EVER.
IN CANADA, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY "SNAP", INCLUDING THE MEMBERS OF THE BAND HAWK NELSON. [I knew it.]
TWINKIES HAVE MORE CALORIES THAN THE STATE OF DENMARK.
IF YOU DAD THROWS OUT ALL THE DIET PEPSI, HE IS TRYING TI PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING CANCER.
IF YOU MEET A HOT GUY AT A GAS STATION, HE WILL PROBABLY JUST ASK YOU OUT TO GET HELP ON GEOGRAPHY HOMEWORK.
LOUD GROANS AND "BAYWATCH"-LIKE RUNS INTO LIBRARIES ATTRACT GREEK-LOOKING GUYS. [That sentence sounded VERY sexual.]
So there you have it. Go ahead and laugh. You've all read my bad writing before.
Hopefully I've grown, though. This whole thing was an inside joke.
That'll teach me not to write inside joke filled stories.
Speaking of those, AMBY! FINISH THAT STORY SO I MAY READ IT!
Tyler was wearing Speedos...
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32 comments:
it is certainly not bad writing, even from 7th grade. in complete and utter honesty (which is something thats difficult to come by these days) you are probably better than me. ew humble pie tastes discusting. grrrrr. I feel like typing about a book and a half here but I'd rather send you an email but I don't think you realize your being commented as it doesn't notify you upon logging on you've got new comments.
and by the way, whenever I hear the song ballroom blitz I think of the suite life of zac and cody theme song...kinda weird.
how does ballroom blitz pertain to zack and cody?
i agree, as most pie is gross. But thanks anyway.
all pie except chocolate pie, actually pie is growing on me a little, its not as gross as it used to seem.
ok hum the ball room blitz song and tell me it doesn't sound alot like the zac and cody theme song, or at least like it should lead into it or something I dunno.
i actually don't know the zack and cody theme song.
Ew, my first comment sounded really conceited. I was just referring to pie.
Viva la coconut.
ah only a little, I didn't pick up on it until you mentioned it but I guess it is a bit pompous sounding. I'm beginning to like peach pie stuff...i actulaly don't think its pie but its peache something...cobbler I think. yeah for some reason disney channel is always on here, that or fox news, I don't know why, its just a bunch of mind numbing rubbish now. you've heard of tim the toolman taylor and home improvment right?
for some reason I cna't find anyone who has.
are you serious, i love home improvement. yeah, i've noticed your dad's always watching fox news but he never seems to enjoy it. i actually had some really good apple pie the other day. nice flaky crust.
I don't know how to communicate this on line but we'll see if you get this allusion
aaAuUh?
lol yeah fox news is getting some more like, almost late show esque stuff going on late (duh) at night. red eye and half hour news hour, its actually pretty hillarious. news you can't use. yes it often pisses (you mindif I say that?) him off
Amby?
ew, sorry, i would not call you amby, amber, i have a friend named ambrielle whose nickname is "amby".
wow. sorry. if i were you i'd get really freaked out, too.
i actually don't watch fox news all that much. hmm, sounds like jay leno. yay.
I'm stll confused. but jay leno is cooler than david letterman.
david letterman did a joke on britney spears that was funnier than anything jay's said in a while, tho.
he has his moments.
but you can't beat headlines.
very true. and the whole thing where he just randomly walks up to people and starts talking to them.
hahaha, and he like asks them, whose the vice president of th united states and there like...uhm...richard nixon? haha so funny.
richard nixon's probably better than who we've got now, tho.
but seriously. That's pretty um...special if you actually think that...
what wrong with Bushy? I mean sure he's a bit light on the mexican border control thing but I think he's done pretty right good for himself. or are you refering to cheney, yes you probably were, nvm that then...
Bushy...haha
bush is cool, but cheney should shoot himself in the face.
yay for mit romney.
so you like him too eh? sarai refuses to support him cause of his mormonism but I don't think that matters really. I mean sure I'd rather have a christian, but there aren't really any viable christian candidates are there?
I was almost goin with McCain but definitely not Giuliani.
i agree. cuz he's a nice guy and his politics are cool but for ONE ISSUE, and it's not like he's going to force the entire country to become mormon and live on little planets. he's just president, not dictator.
i'm going to kick both guiliani and mccain in the shins, altho there's this guy fred thompson?? who hasn't started running yet but he's going to. i'm not holding my breath, tho.
I'm thinking its time for a 3rd party for myself.
there's independents and libertarians, but independents are all poor and libertarians are into what sounds like anarchy.
dang.
i'm officially creating the nerd party. mostly conservative, just more militant.
When a third party does come its not going to be independents or libertarians. I rather fancy the constitutional party.
there's such a thing?
yeah, there in those voting manual things. like hardcore literal constitution (and bible) politicians like compulsory gun ownage for all americans! woo!
you have no idea how fun that sounds.
I know, and Ibet the crime rate would even decrease. no lie.
oh the irony. my math teacher implied that abortion lowers crime rate. i hate her.
speaking of math teachers, my math teacher from junior high showed up at papa murphy's today with his wife and 2 kids, he's my favorite math teacher ever...like ever...favorite teacher in general like he's amazingly amazing, he's frank perettis nephew too, his names Josh Peretti lol. but he didn't recognize me so I didn't say anything cause I'm a shy little terd. he's such an awesome guy. like he just bleeds Christ-likeness, if you ever met him, its like...you can just tell. like you know how some people say that they see people glowing or w/e? lol weird stuff like that...its almost like that.
that always happens to me only i actually say hi and the people are like, "...."
wow. he sounds cool, so i guess i shouldn't make fun of his uncle.
totally stalking him.
lol
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