Eragon

Yeah, so I didn't really do "research" or "information"; I just played the movie on my computer and kept pausing it every so often to write "witty" things. Sorry if it sucks. This is a rough draft, so I'll finetune it later, because my dad really wanted the computer just as I was finishing this up. This took me about 5 hours on a Thursday afternoon.

Prologue
Brom: *totally copying the LOTR voiceover prologue from FOTR* A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there was a land called Alagaesia.
Audience: What kind of name is that?
Brom: That's what you get when you rip off every fantasy series ever written. And it was peaceful, ruled by men astride mighty dragons. For thousands of years, the Jedi, erm, the DRAGON RIDERS, were peaceful.
Dragon Riders: Tra la la la!
Dragons: *flying* Swoooosh! Woosh!
Brom: And then Galbatorix killed them all. Every last one of them.
Haman: Hehehehehehe.
Brom: Except for one...who shall remain anonymous. Now Galbatorix is king and everyone hates him.
Michael Moore: This sounds oddly familiar and I don't know why. Oh yeah! THANKS A LOT, GEORGE BUSH!

Forest
Brom: Here we have Princess ArwwweeeeeImeanArya riding for her life with an egg, I mean, STONE.
Arya: *riding horsey* Giddyap!
Liv Tyler: De ja vu. An elf riding a white horse.
Brom: *still narrating* And now Eragon is out hunting.
Shade: *to Urgals* KILL THE JEWS, uh, ELVES!
Urgals: *fat men with bad makeup* YAAAAAAAAAR! *kill other elves*
Arya: Whoaaaaa, ow! *rolls down hill.

Other Forest
Eragon: Ladeda. I'm hunting. In the Spine. At night.
Deer: *munch munch munch*
Eragon: Forsooth! A deer hath crossedth my path! *prepares bow*

Back to Arya
Arya: Oh no, I've fallen into the ring of fire.
Johnny Cash: And it burns, burns, burns...the ring of fire.
Shade: SILENCE! Give me the Ring! Stone! Thing!
Arya: Screw you! *lifts egg* Expecto Patronum! *magics egg away*
Shade: [Vader]NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/Vader]

Other Forest
Eragon: Almost...almost...
Egg: *lands on deer, breaking its neck and killing it*
Eragon: YESSS!
Deer: Psyche! *gets up and runs away*
Eragon: Awwww. Now my family will STARVE. Wait, what is that? A jellybean?
Stone: *smoking from recent Harry Potter spell*
Eragon: A SMOKING jellybean.

Back to Arya for the last time
Durza: *busy tickling her, erm, torturing her* Where isssss it? Where issss the precioussssss?
Arya: I don't exactly know.
Director: D'OH! You were supposed to say something witty and challenging!
Durza: Too late. *tickles harder*

And now Eragon...
Eragon: *picks up egg* It's so pretty... *blows on it*
The next day, in Carvahall
Horst: Don't take my sons! Pleeeeeeease!
Soldiers: It's what must be done, sucker.
Elton John: It's part of the CIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIFE!
Soldiers: Shut up! *destroy his piano*
Elton John: Drat.
Audience: Ooooookay, that scene was altogether pointless.

The magical Butcher's Shop
Sloan: *rubbing meat all over his body* Oooooh yeah, oh yeah...
Eragon: *comes in and clears throat nervously*
Sloan: What? I... *puts meat away*
Eragon: *stares longingly after hidden meat*
Sloan: You're looking at the King's Finest FDA approved Angus blue ribbon beef. The fat just...melts into the meat.
Eragon: What were you doing with the king's meat?
Sloan: Well...nothing. All right, I was rubbing.
Eragon: You don't rub another man's meat!
Sloan: OY! Enough sly sexual imagery! Whaddya you want?
Eragon: The most expensive stuff you've got. I've got collateral! *produces stone*
Sloan: It's an egg.
Eragon: Nooooo, a stooooooone.
Sloan: Sure, Eragon. EVeryone can see it's an egg. You're the only one that can't.
Eragon: I found it in the horrible cursed mountain range known as the Spine. Still want it?
Sloan: *throws him out of ship with a roar of anger* AND DON'T COME BACK!
Eragon: *gets up* Man. *sees Brom being harassed by soldiers*
Soldiers: Where'd you get this chickens? No one ELSE has chicken.
Brom: KFC.
Soldiers: *glower of death*
Brom: Albertson's.
Soldiers: *glower of death*
Brom: Safeway?
Soldiers: OY! You stole them from the KING! *kicks stool out from under them*
Brom: *takes out knife*
Eragon: Ooer. *eyes bulge out of sockets*
Every Teenage Girl that Ever Thought He Was Hot: Ewwwww...
Duck: He looks like a duck. Wait...
Brom: Here, I'll just give them to you then.
Soldiers: YESSS!! *run away with chickens*
Brom: Take care with the little bones. Hate to see you choke!

Garrow's Farm
Uncle Garrow: OY! Eragon's returned home.
Roran: With nothing to eat.
Eragon: Hello, uncle. Hello, Cousin-Roran-who-is-only-in-this-movie-for-10-minutes-or-less.
Roran: What happened? Did a deer growl at you?
Eragon: Actually, I was attacked by a vicious jellybean.
Roran: ....Right, then. TESTOSTERONE ATTACK! *tackles him*
Eragon: YAH, A MANLY BRAWL! *shows promise at sword fighting*
Roran: I can't win this battle! *tackles again and the two start rolling around on the floor*
Garrow: Boys- WHOA! Come on, boys, get off the floor, and get your chores done. Roran, WHY are you wearing blue jeans? We live in the early 1300's! Well, I guess it doesn't matter, since you WON'T BE WITH US MUCH LONGER! *wiggles eyebrows meaningfully at Eragon*
Eragon: Oh, Roran, are you sick?
Garrow: No, he WON'T BE WITH US MUCH LONGER! *wiggles eyebrows*
Eragon: Oh, so are you going off to market today, Roran?
Roran: ....
Garrow: ....
*both leave*
Eragon: Oh well. Now I can admire my stone! *takes out stones and starts knocking on it*
Out Here In The Fields
Roran: Eragon, I'm leaving home.
Eragon: Wait, I didn't catch the first part of what you said.
Roran: I don't want to fight in the war, so I'm leaving before they can stop me.
Eragon: Leaving where?
Roran: Right, where there's the tricky part...
Eragon: *stares off into space*
Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains of the moon.
Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known.
Christopher Paolini: No, that's not plagiarism, I LOVE Tolkien, and this is my tribute to him.
All the hobbits in the audience: BOOOOOOOOO!
Garrow: Come on, lads, let's do another exciting farm chore while I have a meaningful uncle-nephew chat over a horse with ERAGON!
Roran: All right! Come, Eragon.
Eragon: *emos*

Barn
Garrow: *brushing horse* It's normal for chicks to want to leave the nest. It's part of the-
Elton John: The CIIIIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIFE!
Soldiers: I told you to STUFF IT! *beat Elton John back with a beer bottle*
Eragon: Why are you talking about birds, uncle?
Garrow: It's symbolism. You'll move out one day, too.
Eragon: Not me. I'm going to stay with you...forever and forever and ever.
Garrow: *freezes* Er, no, how about a nice condominium in the village? It's nice to have a place of your own... The unknown is pretty hard to resist.
Eragon: Is that why my mammy left me with you?
Garrow: No, she left you because you look like a duck.
Eragon: *tear*
Garrow: Just playing. But it doesn't matter now because she's dead. I think. Just trust that she did it for your own good. Besides, I gained a son.

Next Day
Roran: *about to leave*
Eragon: *sulking in doorway*
Garrow: Here. 4 copper pennies. These are my life savings. Don't spend them all in one place!
Roran: Um, sure, Dad. Thanks.
Director: WHERE'S THE SENTIMENTAL LINE??????/
Roran: I mean, your blessing is all I need.
Audience: Awwwwww.
Garrow: *embrace*
Roran: *embrace*
Garrow: Goodbye, Roran. Oh, those horrible blue jeans.
Roran: They are not. Come, cousin, to the village with me, because I can't say goodbye at home like a normal person.

Village
Roran: See ya later, pimp. I mean, be strong. And work on that aim. You may make a hunter yet!
Eragon: *embrace*
Roran: *embrace*
Puss in Boots: Whatever happens, I must not cry. *sobs*

Back on de farm
Audience: Why can't you stay in one place for one stupid day!!!!!?????
Eragon: *looking at Tatooine suns, er, the sun*
Mark Hamill: I recognize this shot.
George Lucas: I do, too...
Both: Hmmm...
Eragon: *stares at sun* This is a symbol of my angsty teenage life ahead and my missing Roran. *leaves*
Audience: *blinks* Wha?

Barn
Egg: *begins cracking*
Sloan: Told ya so.
Eragon: Oh no, my stone is breaking!!!!! *watches the magic*
Egg: *crackling gently*
EXPLOOOOOOOOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eragon: *flies back*
Dragonbaby: *pops out* Meep.
Eragon: Not a stone...AN EGG!
Audience: NO DUH!
Dragonbaby: Meep! *hiccup*
Eragon: AWw, you're so fuzzy and precious. But what are you?
Dragonbaby: *unfurls wings and starts to ribbit* Dragon, dragon, dragon.
Eragon: Hmm, you're not a bird...
Dragonbaby: ....
Eragon: I know, a BAT! No matter. Want some food?
Dragonbaby: YESSSSH, my first solid meal in a 1,000 years! I mean...MEEP!
Eragon: Here. Whoops! *bumps dragonbaby's head with hand*
EXPLOOOOOOOOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brom: *wakes up* What? What?
Galbatorix: What? What?
Both: Baaaah... *go back to sleep*
Arya: *wakes up* YAY!
Durza: What? Where is it?
Arya: Too late.
Durza: In that case. *takes out Ticle Me Elmo*
Arya: Nooo...NOOOO!
Elmo: HAHAHAHA! WAAAAAAHAHAHA!
Arya: *screams*
Eragon: *wakes up curled up with dragonbaby*
Dragonbaby: *coos suggestively*
Audience: AWwwww...
Eragon: Ooooookay. *looks at hand* Wow, a unique dragon-shaped scar!
Garrow: Stop looking at yourself and do your chores!
Dragonbaby: *stomach rumbles, causing an earthquake, but miraculously no one notices a big fuzzy blue dragon running around the barn*
Eragon: Right. Here's some food. All babies like milk!
Dragonbaby: Not this baby! *bites the bag, causing the milk to spill all over the floor*
Eragon: Well, I guess you don't get breakfast.
Dragonbaby: Think again. *kills a rat and swallows it*
Eragon: Impressive. Do some more.
Dragonbaby: *kills the horse and swallows it*
Eragon: Well, that was a bit much...
Dragonbaby: *swallows Eragon*
Eragon: *climbing out of dragonbaby's digestive system* Well...be good and stay here for eternity while I do my chores. Wait, we have no horse. I HAVE NO CHORES!
Garrow: What's that? Oy, where's the horse?

The Eeeeevil Hall of Galbatorix
Durza: The egg has hatched, my king, but only to a mere farmboy.
Galbatorix: Be careful. That Luke Skywalker is strongly than he looks.
Durza: Well, no, it's not Luke Skywalker my king...
Galbatorix: Then who could it possibly be?
Durza: A...a duckboy, my liege.
Galbatorix: I just don't want the Varden to challenge me.
Durza: But you destroyed ALL the dragon riders and entire villages, cities, and civilizations. What can one farmboy and a mountain full of people do to you?
Galbatorix: Well, that's not important. *gets really close to Durza's face* Just bring me the boy.
Durza: You're king of in my bubble...but I will do whatever you say...

Back on de farm
Eragon: *staring at hand* When you turn it this way, it kind of looks like a monkey...
Dragon: *now the size of a small dog and no longer a baby, even though it's been less than a day* *enters the barn*
Eragon: Where's your mother?
Dragon: [thinking]Well, obviously not HERE![/thinking] *unfortunately, is limited to cute animal noises* Burble.
Eragon: Did she leave you with a crazy old man with a frizzy beard and a cousin who's most likely a homosexual?
Dragon: [thinking]Actually, she left me with some hot elf chick, but somehow I ended up here with you.[/thinking] *has to comfort the whiny teenage boy, as it is part of the script* *cuddles Eragon and looks at him with adorable Bambi eyes*
Audience: Awwwwww...
Eragon: You are my bestest friend in the world!
Dragon: [thinking]Crap.[/thinking]

Durza's Nazi Headquarters
Durza: *summoning up bug ninjas* Fjksdifowepiniofnioenawposinoenpfawoisne!!!!
Ra'Zac: *appear*
Durza: Kill the boy.
Ra'Zac: Hai. *leave mysteriously*

Carvahall
Eragon: Hey, look, it's Brom, the mysterious law-breaking chicken man!
Brom: It wasn't always like this...back in the day...before George Bush, I mean, GALBATORIX was leader...the land flourished without cruelty or fear...a time of dragons and dragon riders...
Eragon: How do you know all this?
Brom: I....just....doooooooooo...
Soldiers: Oy, you's speakin' rubbish! *prepare to beat him to death*
Eragon: Wait! You must let him finish!
Soldiers: *stop*
Audience: Because 17-year-old duckboys are soooo convincing.
Brom: Galbatorix killed all the dragon riders. And he shall paaaaaay... Paaaaay... Paaaaaaay...
Soldiers: OY! SHUTS UP, YOU!
Brom: The time of the dragon riders will COME AGAIN! *stares meaningfully at Eragon*
Eragon: Hehehehe, I know when it will co-ome!

Beautiful Field
Eragon: *bouncing dragon up and down while sprinting as fast as he can* And...*pant pant*...and then B-b-brom said...*pant pant*...the time of the...dragon...dragon...the time of the...dragon...riders will come....come...come...*pant pant*...........again. But you need to fly first.
Dragon: That's what I'm trying to do, but you keep bouncing me!
Eragon: Off you go, then! *throws her into the air like a football*
Sean Alexander: Woooooow...
Matt Hasselbeck: He's better than me!
Seahawks: *laughing cough of death*
Matt Hasselbeck: What? WHAT?
Dragon: I can fly, I can fly-
Wendy, John, and Michael: It can fly, it can fly-
Peter Pan: It can fly, it can fly, it can FLY!
Tinkerbell: *a-jingly-jingly-jing*
Eragon: *watches dragon fly away* Maaaaaan. There goes the dragon riders... OW, MY SCAR!
Harry Potter: *suspicious*
EXPLOOOOOOOOSION!!!!!
Dragon: *is suddenly fully mature* *flies back down beside Eragon*
Eragon: Oy! Who are you?
Saphira: Brom was right. The time has come.
Eragon: ...You still haven't answered my question.
Saphira: IT'S ME! SAPHIRA! THE DRAGON YOU JUST HATCHED!
Eragon: I used to have a dragon...she flew away, though. Wait! YOU CAN HEAR MY THOUGHTS!
Saphira: I've waited a thousand years to hear your thoughts...and now you can hear mine. As I JUST SAID, I am Saphira...and you are my rider.
Eragon: Rider??
Saphira: WHAT HAVE WE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR THE LAST MINUTE AND A HALF????
Eragon: Enough of this clever banter. I'll go ask Brom what he thinks.

Brom's hut
Eragon: Gee, it's midnight and everyone else is sleeping. I wonder if Brom's awake... *opens door* Helllooooooooo.... Hellooooo... *sees a book* Oooh, a book! Too bad I can't read... Hey, look, this book has nothing to do with dragons!
Brom: HEY! GET OUT!
Eragon: *girly jump* I was just...reading.
Brom: LIES! I know you can't read...
Eragon: *walk of shame* Um, yeah, but...is it true about the dragon riders?
Brom: Why do you ask?
Eragon: Dragons is cool...and I just wanted to know what color they were, how big they got, how the rider's scar looked, and everything you'd ever need to know about a dragon. Not like I HAVE one, or anything.
Brom: *locking all the doors and windows, drawing curtains, etc* Were you followed?
Eragon: Also, mine is having a poo problem, if you could perscribe some antibiotics...I mean, did dragons have poo problems?
Brom: SHUT UP AND LEAVE MY HOUSE!
Eragon: Why are you so scared? You mocked the king...in FRONT of his soldiers.
Brom: "Better ask forgiveness than permission." John Lennon said that.
John Lennon: No I didn't. I did say that Bed peace bit...
Eragon: THEN TELL ME!
Brom: NOOOOO!
Eragon: WHY NOT????
Brom: Go home! Mind your corn! Till the fields! Brush the horse!
Eragon: Actually, the horse is dead. It was eaten by a draaaaadingo.
Brom: I'm still not telling you.
Eragon: *crying* I KNOW YOUR STORY IS TRUE! *runs out sobbing*
Brom: .... *takes out red sword*
Eragon: *hears muffled groan from elsewhere* That's funny...sounds like someone is being killed...I'll go check it out.
Sloan: No! no! NOOO!
Ra'Zac: Yessss!
Sloan: Please don't!
Ra'Zac: Then TELL USS!
Sloan: All right, his name's Eragon. He lives on a farm 10 miles from here, blonde, very ugly. Now please, just don't do it!
Ra'Zac: Too late! *start grilling all of Sloan's meat*
Sloan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ra'Zac: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
Eragon: Uh oh! *hides under table*
Ra'Zac: *jumps on table* Hm, nothing suspicious here. *leaves*
Eragon: *runs home 10 miles*
Saphira: ERAGON! *picks him up*
Eragon: *wriggling* Let me down! Let me down!
Saphira: Stop being a wriggly worm! It's YOU they want!
Eragon: I must save my UNCLE!
Saphira: There's nothing you can do! YOU'RE IN DANGER!
Eragon: NO!!!! *jumps off her back*
Saphira: *slow-mo* Yoooooooooooou iiiiiiiidddiiiiiiiiottttt!
Eragon: *lands in haystack and sees ruined farm* NOOOOOO! *sees burned barn* NOOOOOO! *sees dead Garrow* Oh, that's all right then. *turns to Saphira* THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
Saphira: Actually, I just saved your ***.
Eragon: AND you're corrupting me! GO AWAY FROM HERE! AND NEVER RETURN!
Saphira: Fine. *flys away*
Eragon: Yeah, that's right! Fly away!
Brom: NYAAAAAH! *jumps on from behind and looks at Eragon's hand* YOU???? But you're a DUCK?
Eragon: Geroff me! Geroff me!
Brom: So that's why you were all curious 'bout dragons.
Eragon: Well, it's too late. I SENT HER AWAY!
Brom: Who?
Eragon: MY DRAGON!
Brom: Ooooooooooooh, I thought....never mind. Well, let's go.
Eragon: Where?
Brom: On a quest. I have a horse outside.
Eragon: Not till we bury my uncle!
Brom: *sighs* Fine. *sets Garrow on fire*
Eragon: WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Brom: Burial fit for a king.
Audience: Brom=1 Eragon=0
Brom: Now GET ON THAT HORSE!
Eragon: *gets on horse* Who are you?
Brom: Just ride.

Resting in da forest
Brom: Now that we're all settled, call your dragon.
Eragon: I shan't. My uncle was KILLED because of her!
Brom: There was nothing you could do. He was killed by some crazy bug ninjas of the king. A boy of 12, 13...
Eragon: I'm 17!!!
Brom: A boy of 17 would probably last a minute. I'm also supposed to be telling you a lot of important stuff about the Varden and Durza, but I don't feel like it. NOW CALL YOUR DRAGON!
Eragon: I, um, er, can't, she's, er, too far away. Yeah, that's it.
Brom: I know she hears your thoughts.
Eragon: Fine. SAPHIRA!
Saphira: *pops out from behind a tree* Here I am!
Eragon: But...but...but...
Saphira: I never left you...
Audience: Awwwwww...
Brom: She's beautiful! She looks just like MY old...I mean, she looks great. Nice body...teeth...scales...her legs are a little thin...but her feet look nice...
Saphira: He seems nice.
Eragon: Everybody loves flattery.
Brom: Soon you can ride her.
Eragon: No.
Brom: You have to. [Vader]It is your destiny...[/Vader]
Eragon: I'm not getting my hand cut off and hanging off a weathervane!
Brom: Erm, right. The Varden NEED YOU!
Eragon: Why me????
Brom: Ask Saphira.
Saphira: I waited 1,000 years for you. So shut up and get on.
Eragon: So my life's in danger because some stupid dragon chose me?
Saphira: HEY!
Brom: No...because if the king kills you, your dragon is screwed.
Saphira: Better me than you, I guess.

Orc, I mean, URGAL metal shop/Durza Nazi Headquarters
Urgals: Makin weapons, makin weapons, lalalala.
Durza: *appears out of nowhere* Hm. Nice sword, Stanislav.
Stanislav: *blush*
Durza: Sleek...sharp...and to the POINT! *stabs Stan in foot*
Stan: OW!
Durza: Bring me the boy or I'll damage MORE than your foot. *looks around* Sorry about that. Do carry on.
Urgals: .... Makin weapons, making weapons, lalalala.

And now to our heroes...
Brom: We're being chased by Urgals. That means we have to ride to Daret.
Eragon: SWEET! ROAD TRIP!
Brom: Tell your dragon to be careful.
Eragon: Be careful.
Saphira: YOU be careful. *graceful takeoff*
Ra'Zac #1: Oh, look, a dragon, I wonder whose it is...
Ra'Zac #2: Maybe someone lost theirs.
Ra'Zac #1: No, the point is I was being sarcastic. There's only 1 dragon out there.
Ra'Zac #2: Oh. The king's?
Ra'Zac #1: All right, so there's 2!
Ra'Zac #2: Right...so who's the second one?

*Lots of horseback riding*
Brom: *hears screams* I hear screams.
Eragon: *sees wagon party getting mugged* And I see a wagon party getting mugged. LET'S SAVE THEM!
Brom: Well, actually, we can't, because you have no skills and there are like 50 million Urgals and 2 of us.
Eragon: I have skills! I fought my cousin all the time!
Brom: There's a difference between wrestling your gay cousin and fighting Urgals.
Eragon: But what about the people.
Brom: Oh they'll be fine. Let's go practice some swordfighting.

Fighting, fighting, fighting on the river
Brom: Here's a wooden sword. Pwn me.
Eragon: Awright... YAAAAAAAH! *attacks*
Brom: *steps out of the way* You're very good.
Eragon: RAAAAAH!
Brom: *blocks* You're VERY VERY good. Oh, I'm feeling weak.
Eragon: *trips*
Brom: That's enough for today. You'll be a master soon enough!

The forest...AGAIN
Brom: *trying to start a fire*
Eragon: *talking to Saphira* I could've beaten him. I was just tired and I didn't want him to get hurt.
Saphira: Riiiiiiight.
Brom: *fire won't work* Rjklfjkld. *fire starts*
Eragon: What'd you just say?
Brom: What? Oh, I sneezed. Achoo.
Eragon: No, you said "rjklfjkld".
Saphira: And you started a fire.
Brom: Strange things happen all the time these days...duckboys hatch dragons, dragons grow overnight, people get set on fire...
Eragon: Hmph.

*More horseback riding*

Daret
Brom: Aaaaaand, we're HERE!
Eragon: Right...so what do I do?
Brom: Go find a fortune teller or something. I have something IMPORTANT to do. *walks into a bar*
Eragon: Hmph. *sees intimidating looking emo*
Emo: *piercing gaze of death*
Eragon: *blinded* AAAAAH! *stumbles into fortunetellers tent*
Angela: SWEET, Angela's FIRST CUSTOMER!
ERagon: Oh crap.
Audience Member #1: Her voice sounds familiar. Isn't she a famous singer?
Audience Member #2: You're right...isn't she black, though?
Angela: Angela will tell your fortune.
Eragon: Right...how will you...
Angela: *takes out dragonbones* This one says you'll be hungry tomorrow. And this one says you took a crap yesterday.
Eragon: Actually, I've been backed up lately. This is stupid. I'm leaving.
Angela: WAIT! You'll meet a girl. And she'll be HAWT.
Eragon: Really? Tell me more.
Angela: And a death rapidly approaches.
Eragon: ....
Angela: ....
Eragon: Anything else?
Angela: I totally just made all that up.
Eragon: *sigh* *walks out of tent*
Urgal: *attacks*
Eragon: AAAAAAAAGH!
Urgal: YAAAAAAAH! *dead*
Brom: What were you doing?
Eragon: Having my fortune told. She said a death was rapidly approaching.
Brom: *looks down* I see she was right. Come on!
Urgals: WE WILL TRAP YOU ON THE BRIDGE! *trap them on the bridge*
Eragon: Oh no, we're trapped!
Brom: *rolls eyes*
Eragon: SAPHIRA, I NEED YOU!
Brom: *pulls out lightsaber and starts fighting*
Eragon: Um...um...um...rjklfjkld!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Urgals: *explode*
Eragon: Oooooh...I'm so weak! *faints*
Saphira: Someone's had a little too much to drink...
Brom: Personally, I think he's been smoking...

Whaddya know, THE FOREST!
Eragon: My scar...IT BURNS!
Harry Potter: I'M NOT KIDDING, guys, I think he stole my line!
Hermione: Oh, Harry, you're so suspicious.
Ron: Yeah, cool it, man.
Brom: You just did magic.
Eragon: Really. Shweet. How?
Brom: You said the objects name. Fire's name is rjklfjkld.
Eragon: What's tree's name?
Brom: Greenpeace.
Eragon: What's rock's name?
Brom: Bill.
Eragon: Right.
Brom: Just remember that too much magic kills.
Eragon: Like drugs?
Brom: Sure... Btw, thanks to your dragon, we have to take a detour. And you have to fly.
Saphira: *appears with brand new saddle* Did somebody call?
Eragon: You better not drop me.
Saphira: Okay. *sweeps him off cliff with her tail*
Eragon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *falling*
Brom: *pause* Well, I suppose you better go get him.
Saphira: Wait for it...
Brom: Um, Saphira, he's almost to the bottom.
Saphira: Wait for it...
Brom: Ouch, those rocks look painful.
Saphira: Wait for it...
Brom: ....
Saphira: ....
Eragon: ....
Saphira: WOOOOOOOOSH! *saves*
Eragon: I luuuuuuuuuuuuuurve flying!
Saphira: Look at the trees.
Eragon: Trees are GREEN!
Saphira: Actually, they're blue! Look through my eyes. The word for that is "bibbitybobbitybibbitybobbity".
Eragon: BIBBITYBOBBITYBIBBITYBOBBITY! *blinks* Wow, everything is blue, and I can see Brom!!!! AND RA'ZAC!
Saphira: What?
Eragon: NINJAS!
Saphira: What?
Eragon: BUG PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saphira: Ooooooooooh... What?
Eragon: SAVE BROM!
Brom: No, don't save me, I've been trained in the Jedi fighting arts!
Eragon: Save you? All right! LOWER! LOWER!
Saphira: *runs into some trees*
Eragon: *vaults off* AAAAAAAAH! SAVE ME, BILL! *lands on a big rock* Owwww.
Ra'Zac #1: YAHAHAHA!
Eragon: GREENPEACE!
Treebeard and the Ents: Oh no you don't, you nasty little orcs! *squishes*
Eragon: RIGHTEOUS!
Brom: *gets out lightsaber again* HIYANUNNYNUNNYFUNJAYA!!!!!!!!!!
Ra'Zac #2: Uh-oh.
Brom: *slow-mo* Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! *pwns*
Ra'Zac #2: *dead*
Eragon: Whooooooooooooooooa......
Later, in the FOREST
Audience: *groans* I tire of this scenery.
Brom: *quite the Florence Nightengale* You could've KILLED Saphira. Now I have to spread MUSTARD PASTE all over her wounds!
Eragon: That was some pretty sweet fighting.
Brom: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
Eragon: ....
Brom: WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME, BOY?
Eragon: "Better to ask forgiveness than permission."
Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Brom: Ouch. *goes to wash mustard paste off hands* You're supposed to reach the Varden alive, you know!
Eragon: First, let's talk about sex.
Brom: ....
Eragon: Or, truth, if you'd rather. It's part of being a good parent/guardian.
Brom: What in the blazing dragon bottoms are you talking about?
Eragon: *cuts off Brom's glove* I thought we weren't going to lie to each other, Mr. Dragon Rider Pants.
Brom: All right, you got me, you got me.
Eragon: Where's YOUR dragon, Mr. Dragon Rider Pants?
Brom: Oh, she's dead.
Eragon: ....
Saphira: ....
Audience: ....
Theater Manager: ....
Snack Guy: *coughs*
Brom: Morzan, your father, I mean, another dragon rider killed her dead. So I killed him and took his sword. *takes out lightsaber* This is his sword.
Eragon: Aaaaaaaaaaah... That's why you're so emo all the time.
Brom: What?
Eragon: Nothing. What's for lunch?
Brom: No, no, no, the reason I'm so emo is that when I killed Morzan, I killed his DRAGON! So I basically killed the last dragon and it was all my fault. *emo tear* And then *looks up* and then YOU came into my life.
Eragon: *backs away, uncomfortable*
Saphira: So you basically saved the entire race of dragons, Eragon, and it's still your fault, Brom.
Brom: Now that you mention it, I AM hungry...

Durza Nazi Headquarters
Durza: *looks up from comic book*
Stanislav: We didn't get the boy.
Durza: I can see that. Well, you know what this means...
Stanislav: What?
Durza: *kills with fingernail of doom*
Stanislav: *dies*
Durza: You there.
Viggo: Me?
Durza: Congratulations.
Viggo: *excited*
Durza: You've been promoted.
Viggo: *sad*

Torture Chambers for Elves
Durza: First, I'll poison you. *pokes Arya in chest*
Arya: SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
Durza: Next, I'll lure the boy to me...using you... *prepares for dream sequence*

Eragon: *shleepy, having hisself a dreamzy...*
Arya: *dancing een the weend* 'Ello. My name's Arya.
Eragon: Whoa. You are quite literally the girl of my dreams. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Arya: ....
Eragon: Sorry. I'm Eragon.
Arya: I'm an ally with the Varden. You're the only one who can save me.
Eragon: *staring* Whatever you say.... Hey, where are you?
Arya: Durza holds me prisoner at Gil'ead.
Durza: Now say the last part.
Arya: Do I have to?
Durza: Yes.
Eragon: *confoozed*
Arya: *sigh* Only a big strong dragon rider like you is right for the job. You must come save me... *fades away*
Eragon: What just happened? *wakes up*
Brom: *regarding him curiously*
Eragon: I just dreamed about an elven princess.
Brom: Not surprising for a boy at your age.
Eragon: NO, NO, NO. She needs me to save her. Saphira and I are leaving.
Brom: No, Luke, wait! Don't leave! You haven't finished your training!
Eragon: What?
Brom: What? Oh, nothing. You can't leave, though.
Eragon: *leaving*
Brom: You can't.
Eragon: *leaving*
Brom: I'll cry.
Eragon: *still leaving*
Brom: Wait, who are you saving?
Eragon: Arya.
Brom: How do you know her?
Eragon: I'm telling you, she was in my DREAM!
Brom: Oh. You still can't leave.
Eragon: Goodbye! *flies away*
Brom: How did he do that?
Saphira: I don't know, I'm still here.

Durza Nazi Headquarters
Saphira: Well, there it is. Looks pretty easy to get into.
Eragon: We'll wait till night.
Saphira: SWEET! Do I get to wear a disguise?
Eragon: Noo...
Saphira: How bout a mask?
Eragon: No.
Saphira: A schnoz?
Eragon: I'm going alone.
Saphira: Oh.
Eragon: *waiting till night*
Saphira: You can't go in alone.
Eragon: *waiting*
Saphira: I'll cry.
Eragon: *still waiting*

INSIDE Durza Nazi Headquarters
Eragon: *disguised as creepy priestess of Mutajamba*
Emo: *following him* *piercing gaze of death*
Eragon: *doesn't notice cuz he's dumb* *gets inside the building* Well, now would be a good time to shed my convincing disguise, what with Urgals and guards and enemies all about that SURELY won't notice me.
Arya: *gasping pitifully*
Eragon: Hark! My DREAM GIRL! *rushes to save her*
Arya: *looks up* You shouldn't have come!
Eragon: No need to thank me.
Arya: No, I meant it's a trap!
Durza: Hello, hello, hello. Or should I say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. FJKLWIOEPUQNC! *summons all the weapons in the castlefortress to kill Eragon*
Eragon: *blocks them all*
Durza: MINGMOKNUMNUMNUM! *summons all the kitchen utensils in the castlefortress to kill Eragon*
Eragon: *blocks them all*
Durza: TAT! *summons all the thumb tacks and paperclips in the castlefortress to kill Eragon*
Eragon: *blocks them all*
Durza: OH, COME ON!
Eragon: Fine. I'll weaken myself significantly and then it will be fair. BILL! *rock falls out of the ceiling, barely missing Arya* Oh, I feel woozy.
Durza: Mwahaha. Victory shall be mine! *throws spear at him*
Brom: Noooooooooooooooooo! *flies in front of spear and gets nailed*
Durza: That's what happens when you drive hammered.
Eragon: BROM! *angrily throws sword at Durza*
Durza: *blocks it* You'll have to do much better than that.
Eragon: *shoots him in the head with an arrow*
Durza: Wow, that actually hurt. *starts to disintegrate*
Brom: *rips spear out of chest, ignoring the growing pool of blood* Go! Save yourselves! Leave me!
Eragon: No! I need an extra burden to slow me down and make an easier target for enemies! Come Arya!
Arya: I've just woken up from a near coma after being tickled, er, tortured for days. And you want me to carry him?
Eragon: You're the woman, I'm the man, and I say you CARRY HIM!
Audience: Oooooooh!
Rosie O'Donnell: That's not right...
Soldiers: OY! An intruder!
Brom: Here, take Zar'roc!
Eragon: What?
Brom: THE LIGHTSABER!
Eragon: Oh!
Audience: Because he could easily take all 50 million of those soldiers with a sword.
Saphira: *pops through the roof and eats all the soldiers*
Audience: Or that could happen.
Eragon: *looks up* It's the Emo from Daret!
Emo: *aiming at him*
Eragon: What? No! Don't! I'm a friend! I'm totally cool with your scene, yo!
Emo: *shoots last soldier Saphira failed to eat* I suggest you leave quickly*
Eragon: Right. Thanks. Like I didn't know that. *gets on Saphira*
Saphira: All aboard? Everybody on? Okay! TOOT TOOT! *flies away*
Soldiers: *start shooting her with arrows*
Eragon: Saphira, they're shooting you.
Saphira: I KNOW, Eragon.
Eragon: Well, how long will you be able to-
Saphira: *starts to fall*
Eragon: -last. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Back where we belong...in the forest
Arya: *nursing Brom back to health* Oh no, Brom's dying!
Brom: *weakly* Eeeeeeragoooon...
Eragon: I'm here, Brom.
Brom: I'm dying.
Eragon: Yes, I can see that.
Brom: Eeeeeeragooooon...
Eragon: What?
Brom: Eeeeeeeeragoooon...
Eragon: What?
Brom: *wheeze wheeze wheeze* *dies*
Eragon: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Brom: *coughs* *wasn't really dead the first time*
Eragon: BROM!
Brom: Is Durza dead?
Eragon: Yep.
Brom: Did you pierce him through the heart?
Eragon: No, actually, I shot him in the head.
Brom: Then he's not dead.
Eragon: Dang.
Arya: We must get help from the Varden!
Brom: Yes, go to the Varden...without me.
Eragon: No, Brom! I NEED YOU!
Brom: No, Eragon...it is I that have always needed you.
Audience: :O WHAT????
Movie Critic: Is Eragon gay?
Movie Psychologist: Interesting that because he never had a female figure, Eragon's relationships always end the same way.
Audience: What's a movie psychologist?
Brom: *dying slowly* Take Zar'roc.
Eragon: I CAN HEAL YOU! HEALHEALHEALABRACADBRA!
Spell: *doesn't work*
Eragon: I wasn't strong enough to fix it. I wasn't strong enough! But someday I will be! Someday so strong I can stop people from DYING!
Arya: ....
George Lucas: That's not right.
Saphira: HURRY, PUT HIM ON MY BACK! So he can die like a Dragon Rider.
Eragon: *puts Brom on Saphira's back*
Brom: I'm not dead.
Saphira: *takes off*
Brom: I'm not dead yet.
Saphira: *flying*
Brom: I'm getting better.
Saphira: *turns sharply to the right*
Brom: *falls off*
So dies Brom.

On a mountain
Eragon: *made Brom a noble looking tomb out of rocks*
Arya: That's the worst tomb I've ever seen.
Saphira: Aa...aa...ACHOO! *sneezes on tomb*
Tomb: *becomes all shiny and crystal*
Eragon: How'd you do that?
Saphira: That's my, um, GIFT to Brom.
Eragon: *sigh* Who will remember him?
Arya: Many people will...because of you. You're his claim to fame.

*sigh* Back in the forest
Arya: *falls to the ground suddenly*
Eragon: That's unusual.
Saphira: The SHADE poisoned her! Wait...someone's coming.
Eragon: Where does it hurt?
Arya: *points to chest*
Eragon: Oh...well...
Arya: *shows him area*
Eragon: Wow....you look really...poisoned.
Arya: *whimpering* Oh. Oh. Oh. It hurts. It HURTS.
Eragon: I guess I need to get you to the Varden.
Arya: Here! *reaches for his head*
Eragon: Oh, are you going to send me your mental images?
Arya: No... *hands him digital camera* I'm giving you REAL images.
Eragon: Oh...can I take a picture of the poisoned spot.
Saphira: I HAVE THE INTRUDER! *drops Emo to the ground*
All the girls in the audience: *swoon*
Emo: *laughing*
Eragon: Who are you?
Emo: I've always dreamed of dragons. I'm Murtagh.
Girls in audience: Muuuuuuuuuurtagh..... *faint*
Murtagh: You need my help, dragon rider.
Eragon: Not really.
Murtagh: You do if you seek the Varden.
Eragon: Whatevs. I've got myself a digital camera. I don't need you.
Murtagh: Fine then. *leaves forever and never comes back ever, ever, ever, ever again*
Girls in audience: *walk out of theater angrily*
Murtagh: *didn't really leave*
Eragon: Why'd you save me in the Durza Nazi Headquarters?
Murtagh: I'm an anarchist.
Director: *cough cough*
Murtagh: I mean, my family was slaughtered by Galbatorix. And dragons are kewl.
Eragon: Well, that's enough reason for me. I trust you.
Murtagh: That's nice.
Eragon: But I'm not the only one you need to convince.
Saphira: *Rawr*

*HORSEBACKRIDING*

Outside Big Rock Candy Mountain
Eragon: *looking around* Wow. I never would've guessed this is where they're hiding.
Murtagh: Because a big mountain made of rock candy isn't suspicious at ALL.
Saphira: Um, you guys, there are Urgals behind you.
Eragon: Let me guess. 50 million?
Saphira: Actually, there are only 2, but they're going to kill you in T minus 2 seconds.
Murtagh: *sees Urgal and kills it with Zar'roc*
Urgal: *pwned*
Eragon: *blinks* What just happened?
Murtagh: UNDER THE WATERFALL!
Both: *dive under waterfall*
Both: *pop up a minute later*
Eragon: WE MADE IT!
Murtagh: Sooo...cold...
Middle Eastern footsoldiers: Surrender!

Galbatorix's Palace
Galbatorix: All I asked you to do was bring a 13-year-old boy to me.
Durza: 17, my lord.
Galbatorix: And yet you fail me.
Durza: HE SHOT ME IN THE HEAD!
Galbatorix: You're fine. And you don't get to take sick leave.
Durza: Drat.
Galbatorix: I shall give you one last chance. The boy has led us to the Varden. Kick his butt.

Inside Big Rock Candy Mountain
Djimon Hounsou: Which one of you is the rider?
Eragon: Me?
Djimon Hounsou: *starts laughing*
Everyone else: *starts laughing*
Eragon: *emos*
Djimon Hounsou: Forgive me, I expected someone a little more...well, more.
Orik: We also didn't think he'd be white.
Eragon: My name is Eragon.
Djimon Hounsou: My name is actually supposed to be Ajihad, but because I play a big intimidating black man in every movie I do, you may just call me Djihad.
Eragon: Right.
Djihad: Right then. *sees Murtagh* Lock him up.
Murtagh: *being restrained by dwarves* LET GO OF ME! I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!
Eragon: No, he hasn't! *pause* Have you?
Murtagh: Huh?
Eragon: You're not like a mass murderer or something, are you?
Murtagh: *emo scream of rage*
Saphira: *flies in looking especially angry* *rawr*
Djihad: This is Morzan's son. And of course the son is ALWAYS EXACTLY like the father, so he will kill us all.
Murtagh: I HATED THAT MAN! *lifts up shirt*
Teenage girls: *scream*
Murtagh: Look at this!
Djihad: A toned, muscular abdomen?
Murtagh: No, this scar. He threw a sword at me. I hated that man till the day he died.
Djihad: That's nice. *looks at guards* Lock him up.
Murtagh: *taken away*
Eragon: Well, now that that's done with, could you save my elf girlfriend?
Djihad: Sure. Take her away, too.
Orik: Apparently Urgals have made it inside.
Djihad: This calls for war. Are you with me?
Eragon: Uh...
Djihad: Great. Now put on some armor and let's go.

Meanwhile...
Durza: *looking a lot more corpselike than before* I'll try to keep this short. Just kill the cowards and, most importantly, HAVE FUN!
Urgals: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

But let's get back to the people that actually matter
Eragon: *taking a bath...with his pants on*
Nasuada: *comes in* Oh, sorry.
Eragon: No, that's fine... Would you like to join me?
Nasuada: My father asked me to bring you to him.
Eragon: Who's your father?
Nasuada: Let's see, there are only two black people in this whole entire movie and I'm one of them; who else could my father be?
Eragon: ....
Nasuada: *sigh* Come on.
Eragon: How's my girlfr- How's Arya?
Nasuada: Great. But she doesn't want to see you.
Eragon: *tear*
People: *scared*
Eragon: Why is everyone afraid of me?
Djihad: You look like the duck demon are people fear so much.
Eragon: Oh.
Djihad: *changing the subject* Look, your armor's ready. Go put it on.
Eragon: Kay. *has trouble with it*
Arya: *puts it on for him*
Eragon: What are you doing?
Arya: I'm the woman, this is my job.
Eragon: Oh, right...forgot about that. *studies her* You look fit...for battle.
Arya: You must be strong.
Eragon: Why did all this happen to me? I'm just a farm boy.
Arya: Luke Skywalker was just a farmboy, Eragon. A farmboy destined for great things. Look in that convex pot over there. THAT is who Saphira chose.
Reflection: *all distorted and oddlooking*
Eragon: *shocked* I can hardly even recognize myself!
Horn: Awooga!
Arya: It is TIME! Well, I'll see you later.
Everyone: *takes their position*
Urgals: *running*
Everyone: *waiting*
Urgals: *running*
Everyone: *waiting* How long is this going to take? READY THE ARCHERS!
EXPLOOOOOOOOOSION!!!!!!!
Urgals: RAAAAAAAH!
Varden: RAAAAAAAH!
*fighting*
Eragon: *calmly surveying the chaos from above*
Saphira: *clanks over to him* Man, this armor is heavy.
Eragon: I need to know, Saphira. Why me?
Saphira: You choose a leader for his heart. Unfortunately, I was getting claustrophobic in there, and didn't know WHOSE possession I was in until I hatched and met you. If only I'd waited a bit longer...
Eragon: .... But I am not without fear.
Saphira: I know. That's why I am regretting my hasty decision.
Eragon: Are we together though? As one?
Saphira: No! *incinerates him with flame*
Eragon: *blinks* I'll take that as a yes.
*fighting*
Arya: Eragon, where are youuuuu?
Eragon: INTO THE SKY, TO WIN OR DIE! Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.
Saphira: *roars and sets all the bad guys on fire*
King Arthur: And there was much rejoicing.
Knights of the Round Table: Yaaaaaaaaay.
Murtagh: *in Cage of Death and Despair* LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!
Urgal: Okay. *opens door*
Murtagh: *blink*
Urgal: *blink* Hey, you're a good guy!
Murtagh: RAAAAAAAH! *kicks*
Urgal: AAAAAAAH! *falls*
Arya: *fighting all feminist like with twin knives* Take that, sucka.
Djihad: *doing a sort of dance routine fight* LalalalalaYAAAAAAH! LalalalalaYAAAAAAAAH!
Murtagh: *saves Orik*
Orik: Man, I just got saved by Morzan's son.
Murtagh: No. That's what my friends call me. You can call me Emo...
Arya: *sees millions more soldiers coming* WE'RE DOOMED!
Djihad: *stops dancefighting to agree* Yep, we're pretty much screwed.
Durza: Mwahahaha. Mwahahahahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Saphira: *sets all the Urgals on fire*
Eragon: YAH! *not really doing anything*
Durza: CURSE YOU! Just for that, I'll create a scary smoke dragon monster! MOONEYPOONEYFAJAMAS!!!!!
Doommonster: *growly*
Murtagh: *fighting* *sees soldiers* Dangit.
Eragon: Time to return the favor!
Saphira: Actually, you're not doing anything. You're just sitting there. *sets soldiers on fire*
Audience: This is too easy...
Murtagh: I guess we're even!
Eragon: Yeah, that's right! Now you owe me!
Murtagh: Nooooo... *too busy getting attacked by Urgals/soldiers*
Archers: Oooh look, a magical smoke monster with a shade riding on it. Do you think it could be killed by firey arrows? *start shooting*
Durza: Nope! *throws fireballs at them*
Archers: MEOWCH! *fall of bridge*
Eragon: Durza, I choose you! *more fire*
Durza: *of course, evades*
Eragon: Gee, that didn't work, let's try it over and over again.
Durza: Why are you convinced this will work?
Eragon: *tries to stab Doommonster* Gee, that didn't work? What is that?
Saphira: Oh, I wonder, it's smoky and he created it out of nonsense words. I'm thinking it's dark magic.
Eragon: Really? I thought it was real!
Durza: Nananananabooboo!
Saphira: STAB HIM IN THE HEART! And this time, rip it out of his chest! I could use a snack.
Eragon: Gross...
*fly towards Doommonster*
Doommonster: Yummy! *bites Saphira's neck*
Durza: Wow, this is VERY entertaining.
Eragon: SAPHIRA, NO! BITE HIM BACK! BITE HIM BACK!
Saphira: Yeah, sorry, KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW!
Durza: HEAR HER SCREAM!
Eragon: *stabs Doommonster in the head*
Doommonster: Do you MIND?
Eragon: Excuse me, you're kind of eating my dragon.
Doommonster: Terribly sorry.
*Eragon and Saphira escape temporarily*
Eragon: Saphira, you're hurt!
Saphira: You would think so! Don't worry about me, though. Even though you just started using magic a few days ago, I'm sure you can heal someone as big as me even though you couldn't heal Brom.
Eragon: So no pressure then.
Saphira: I'm so weak...
Eragon: Just LEAN ON ME, WHEN YOU'RE NOT STRONG, I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND, HELP YOU TO CAAAARRY OOOOOOON!
Saphira: Ooooh, now I feel weaker...
Eragon: HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA!
Durza: Ooh, I can't wait for this. *throws a fireball right at saddle and hits it* Wait, Eragon's not there!
Eragon: *hanging onto Saphira's tail* Psyche!
Saphira: *flings Eragon towards Durza*
Eragon: YAAAAAAAAH! *stabs Durza*
Durza: ....
Eragon: This one's for Mr. Frodo! *stabs again*
Durza: ....
Eragon: This one's for the Shire! *stabs again*
Durza: ....
Eragon: And that's for my old gaffer!
Durza: *implodes*
Doommonster: Uh oh. *implodes*
Eragon: *falling* AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Saphira: *saves*
Both: *fall to ground*
Eragon: *crawls over to Saphira* Oh no, you're hurt! And your wounds are covered in...barbecue sauce?
Saphira: I told you the special effects in this movie were bad. It's too late for me, Eragon. You'll be able to live without me. You have a hot girlfriend, some nice dwarf pals, an emo BFF...
Eragon: But I NEED YOU! HEALHEALHEALABRACADABRA!
Saphira: Youuuuuu iiiiiiiidiiiiiiotttttt!
Eragon: *passes out*
Everyone else: Wow, we won, look at the devastation. I wonder where that Eragon guy is?
Next Day
Eragon: *wakes up holding Zar'roc* Murtagh? What are you doing in my room?
Murtagh: I thought we could have a sleepover.
Eragon: *gets up quickly*
Murtagh: Hey, slowly! Too late.
Eragon: OOOOOOOOWMYYYYYHEADOOOOOOOOW! *looks around* Where's Saphira?
Murtagh: *look of supreme compassion* There are some friends that can't be replaced, Eragon.
Eragon: *starts sobbing* NO, NO, NO! I'LL NEVER LIVE AGAIN! I'LL SLIT MY WRISTS AND WRITE I LOVE YOU IN THE BLOOD! PLEASE, SAPHIRA, COME BACK TO ME!
Murtagh: Uh...dude, I was kidding.
Eragon: What?
Saphira: *flies in* Good morning, gents!
Murtagh: I was totally going to say, "Luckily, there are those that don't have to be."
Eragon: Oh. SAPHIRA! *leaphug*
Saphira: Please don't touch me.
Eragon: I didn't think I could do it, but I did, because I knew I'd already done it. Does that make sense?
Saphira: NO!
Harry Potter: SEE, Hermione, they're doing it AGAIN!
Eragon: *megahug of doom*
Saphira: ....
Eragon: Saaaaaay, where's my fine elfy woman?
Murtagh: She escaped. I mean, she left for Ellesmera. You can probably catch up to her if you-
Saphira and Eragon: *already gone*
Murtagh: Okay then.
Off to Ellesmera
Elves: Arya, the dragon is catching up to us!
Arya: Foiled again by those meddling kids!
Eragon: Hahaha, I found you, I found you!
Arya: I see that, I mean, I'm so glad.
Eragon: I didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye.
Arya: There...wasn't time! Besides, you must prepare the Varden for battle. *rubbing Eragon's shoulder in a suggestive manner* You've lost your family. You've been courageous.
Eragon: Yeah yeah yeah, I just want to know when I'll see you again.
Arya: Yesterday you were a farmboy and an annoying teenage brat. Today you are a hero and you're still an annoying teenage brat. I'll wait for tomorrow. *leaves*
Eragon: *sigh*
Saphira: Love bites.
Eragon: Shut up. Let's ride.
Saphira: Wise words. *flies away*

The End

Very ducklike, now that I think of it...

YAAAAAAAY! I'm creating my Eragon spoof.
NO THANKS TO IMSDB.COM!!!!!
Nyaaaah!
They had the FIRST DRAFT of "Willow" with all this stuff NOT in the movie, like this whole scene where Madmartigan's all, "I LOVED A WOMAN, WILLOW! AND SHE HURT ME! NEVER LOVE A WOMAN!" or something.
And I didn't have the movie on hand on the time, so I didn't have much to work with.
Arya isn't so hot. In fact, she's verging on...
Well, she's not ugly, but she's not some supremely beautiful person.
And I'm sure that's what Christopher Paolini was aiming for.
Hmhmhm.
YAY!
Ed Speleers looks like a DUCK. it bothers me. SUPREMELY!
But Murtagh is still sexy as ever. If only he could act...

Very ducklike, now that I think of it...

I'm sure you find this revolting, but I DON'T CARE!

I notice I talk about a lot of things others find disgusting, like bodily functions, sex, puberty, acne, and kidneys. Oh, and serial killers. Maybe it's because my mom's a nurse and I grew up with three guys. Only one of them has really good hygiene. For the most part.
Only even my mom and brother's are grossed out by my frequent discussions of bodily wonders.
And COME ON, people, when I mention puberty, I'm not necessarily referring to GUYS or the growth/stimulation of the sexual organs.
I know some of you are puking right now, and this isn't exactly great dinner conversation, and some of you are hoping I live far, FAR away, but you learn about this stuff all the time and it's normal.
Besides, I'm not like that guy on the British "Office" (which is way better than the American one; amped up sexual humor, could do a little bit without that, but I'm into the darker more cynical comedy) who brings up positions and stuff all casually like. OR TESTICULAR CANCER!
Anyways.
I had a pretty good day. I was reading Anti-Shurtugal.com again and they're pretty good. Because they're hatin, but in a nice way. And they can prove their point without saying, "UR STUPID, HATER!" All in really bad grammar ways.
And they're helping me with my writing and stuff. Like everything about Mary Sue's. Very helpful.
I try not to be a hypocrite, but Christopher Paolini is now one of my least favorite people on the planet. I used to love his books, but now I see they're nothing special. The only reason that bothers me is because I don't know if this opinion was formed before or after A.S.
Like the people who are neutral until they read one piece of information that they start quoting word for word. -_-
Grrr...

Saturday Evening Worship...who would've thought

wAaAaAaAaAh!!! We have discovered a COOL CHURCH!
We decided to go to a church service tonight instead of waking up tomorrow so we could go to the beach.
WOW! Great worship team, nice flow, COOL MESSAGE! Body focused on reaching out, realizing that WE ARE BUILT ON THE FOUNDATION OF CHRIST! FINALLY! FINALLY!
And there was a really cool message about the endtimes, backed up by scripture, and not infused with opinions based as fact.
Although the pastor was like, "The Anti-Christ will have no regard for women. Some people think he might be homosexual."
????
I just assumed he would be misogynistic.
Yeaaaah.
So the bake sale went well.
I guess my brownies were magically delicious?
Those cupcakes were good. And the snickerdoodles.
I'm still obsessed with Harvest Moon.
I did approximately 4 days today. :(
I must finish this chapter. Then I can get my son to marry LUMINA. Even though she's like 10 years older than him. But I DID like Kate. I don't know why everyone hates her... But I REALLY want him to become a musician, and he accepted the drum I gave him, but he doesn't want the sheet music. >:( DANG IT, BECOME A MUSICIAN! And it sounded like he was going to...for a day. BUt then he went back to Cody worship. -_- My son is worshiping the devil.
I read Sisterhood of the TRaveling Pants #4. >:P I need to do a review on it. It made me kind of mad.

You're making me angry...you don't want to make me angry...

I've probably used this title before. Whatever.
Today was a HORRIBLE day, if you're asking.
We had a power outage.
And a really mean first period sub.
Plus it was a Friday (I hate Fridays -_-), I'm hormonal, and uh, let's see, I HATE FRIDAYS!! Oh, and I REALLY hate Fridays.
So I just skipped track.
It was the last practice and I did not want to run 3 miles or whatever.
And I played Harvest Moon for 2 hours.
I have a plan; I can do 4 quick days in one hour, so if I play 2 hours a day, I will beat the third chapter quicker (3 YEARS!!!! :<>). Although I like my son a lot more in this chapter. He will be an artist. But I did give him a drum... So now I need to possibly get a gift from Griffin. Or sheet music from Lumina, who got HOT ALL OF A SUDDEN????
Oh, I bought my son this bear who is creepy and ugly and I saw him MOVING. But then he sat back down. I KNOW HE'S REAL. I want cutscenes. Apparently his name is Da-Chan. Must have cutscenes, must have cutscenes...
Ooooh, and Hardy is going to tell me about his left eye! THat explains his emoness!!!!
Yay!

Shrek 3 ****Major spoilers for all who care****

Wow, have I really not said anything about American Idol? I'm SO GLAD Jordin won. Blake has been corrupted, I tell you. And he creeps me out.
But I just saw Shrek 3. Read on.

Plot: Shrek (Mike Meyers), coming back from being reunited with wife Fiona (Cameron Diaz) after a dastardly Jennifer Saunders tried to ruin his Happily Ever After, must find Artie (Justin Timberlake *puking*), next in line to the throne (after him and Fiona), after the king (John Cleese) dies. Meanwhile, Prince Charming (Rupert Everett) is trying to take over the kingdom, bla bla bla.

1. WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE POP CULTURE REFERENCES???? That was my FAVORITE PART! ANd they're ALL GONE!

2. Shrek doesn't wear pajamas to bed? Naughty, naughty.

3. First five minutes: SOOOOO DUMB. "Oh, let's show Shrek bungling the royal duties. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I was SO BORED for like forever. First, he injures some guy he's supposed to be knighting (gets him right in the shoulder), destroys a royal cruise ship (HAHAHAHA, HE THREW THE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AT IT! Yeah, we get it, HE'S AN OGRE!), then he has to set the castle on fire. The fun continues...

4. Btw, my mom bought me a TAKE FIVE bar for the movie. Um, I love those, but not for a movie. In 2 seconds, I am DONE. That's why you buy Skittles, M&M's, and Popables. Proper movie food. And we finished the popcorn before the movie even started. Guess what? NO REFILLS! -_- No butter.

5. "Oh Fiona, I'm a horrible king, I'm an OGRE." Nooooooooo, really?

6. The death scene of the king was pretty funny. He had 2 false alarms with a lot of wheezing. His real death was much less dramatic. Just flops over limply. Kind of a let down after, "His name is...his name is...HIS NAME IS...*wheeeeze wheeeze cough cough hack blaaaaaaah*" Then he eats a fly that's flying near donkey. Predictable, but a good sign of humor to come. Or so I'd hoped.

7. Must find Artie, where is Artie????

8. Why doesn't Fiona tell Shrek she's pregnant on the dock? "No Shrek...actually, nothing, um, you can go, I just won't tell you THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY UTERUS! ACTUALLY, THREE SOMETHINGS! YOU THOUGHT I WAS JUST FAT? OOOOOHH NO!"

9. It was pretty funny, though. She's trying to tell him and the Viking captain keeps blowing the foghorn. "I said I'm *HONK HONK*"

10. Quick interjection: What a horribly funny joke:
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping into the pool to save the life of another person. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

11. Back to the story. So they go to Artie's high school, where he is a grade A nerd. BUt then again, he IS Justin Timberlake. Booooo...

12. With Lancelot's character, they didn't even try. THey just copied Charming, made him a little heavier, and died his hair black. He even had the same accent.

13. Some girl asks out Shrek. Hahaha, high school humor.

14. Artie gets a wedgie from some nerds. How sad.

15. Fiona's baby shower was messed up. She gets a dwarf, a pooper scooper (IT'S FOR THE POOPIES!), and a baby front pack (Gingy: "I know the baby will love it, because I DO!").

16. Not politically correct: Are Pinnocchio and Gingy gay together?

17. Just wondering. No offense.

18. Then Charming attacks the palace, and Fiona and the girls escape. So Charming comes in, finds the sidekicks drinking tea, and threatens Gingy, who's life flashes before his eyes.
BEST SCENE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE! All of sudden he's singing, "...the lollipops....the candy shop..."

19. Pinnocchio has very good logic. He's very smart. "I don't know where he's not..." "So you KNOW where he is..." "*something very smart*"

20. Some Monty Python guy does the voice of Merlin.

21. So Fiona and the princesses are captured, Rapunzel turns out to be evil (totally should have seen that coming...), and then there's this whole feminist thing about them breaking out and saving the day, yo.

22. There's so many MESSAGES in this movie. "Dads who leave kids suck. Be yourself. You can do ANYTHING. Feminists rule. Frogs have nine lives." It was like watching "Seventh Heaven".

23. Like ARties lil speech at the end, "You don't have to be villains. You can be whatever you want to be. Only YOU are standing in your way. *points to Rumpelstiltskin*" "Me?" "LET'S GET HIM!"

24. I thought Artie would do something much more impressive. Like sing "Sexyback" in a drunken voice. "I'm bringing shexyback..."

25. I started singing it during his boring speech.

26. Lol, Shrek had all these dreams about having babies. i thought they were cute. A mountain of babies pours into his hut, and then he's speaking to a crowd of babies, and he's naked, and they're all cute and laughing. Awwwww.

27. And at the end, he has triplets, and they're ADORABLE. The bald one is, anyway.

28. I love the names of Donkey's children. He has five...there's Cocoa, Peanut, and Bananas, and he didn't say the others... :(

So it wasn't great. But it was a good cynical little cartoon movie. I love this franchise, but by the time "Shrek 4" comes out, I will have moved on.

My little brother is a serial killer

MY GOAT IS DEAD! It died last night. AAAAAAGH, I felt SOOOO guilty. Because, despite my frequent threats to Luke, I am an animal lover and even wanted (or still want) to be a vet, until I realized vets have to do the neutering thing. Just being that close to an ungelded male animal grosses me out. THEY SWING!
But anyway, I thought PETA was gonna come after me. And it occurred to me: what do I care that an animal doesn't bring money? The horse doesn't bring money, and I can't live without it. And I know have 120k, so it's not like it's TOO EXPENSIVE or anything to feed it. So I put some hay in her box and was going to buy Animal Medicine the next morning.
But it was...too late.
*sniff*
A moment of silence, if you will, for Fairy the goat.
I'm so sad.
But I GOT TO CHAPTER THREE! And my son is definitely becoming an artist. He drew a very realistic picture of me.
I so wanted another musician in the family...
But this will have to do.
So I'm on the first day of chapter three and he is SO CUTE NOW. My dog likes him.
But enough about Harvest Moon.
I've never seen "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?". I've read the Read-A-Long Disney book 5 million times, but I've never seen the movie.
MOVIE NIGHT!
So I just saw Shrek 3. And I'm totally dedicating a post to it. It wasn't fabulous, and I missed the bountiful pop culture references from Shrek 2, but it was good for the series. Better than 1. I personally think the first one sucked.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO TRACK TODAY, NAH NAH NAH!
Subdistricts...I didn't qualify...the rest is history.
WOOHOO!!1
So I played Harvest Moon for two hours.
I'm going to be the worst president EVER.
Mr. Barry all asked me what we should do about next year, and I was like, "..." I was busy thinking about the head-rubbing baby at registration night ("Watch where you're rubbing that head, baby.").
Lol, this "Urban Myths You Didn't Know About Disney" thing is kinda funny. Bad, but funny. Although the photos aren't working. But the priest had a...moment? And Jessica from "WFRR"...her dress all flew up. And GUESS what you SAW? How come I never noticed any of these? Well, maybe it's because I've never watched all TWO of these movies. I only saw part of "Little Mermaid" because my mom said it would give me nightmares. -_-
I hate it when my friends are all incredulous that I've never seen that movie.
Uh, you don't know who the Temptations are. Nuff said.

Zippidy Doo Dah

Wow. What an interesting past two days.
First of all, Tyler told everybody I was dating Britton.
Which I'm not.
And yet, even knowing Tyler's history, they take his word (I'm dating Britton) over mine (I'm definitely not).
I still don't get it.
So I wandered around yesterday in a bad mood because I was pretty sure Britton hated me.
Then I had to give a stupid speech to the sixth graders at registration night, and I'll have to give ANOTHER one all about how awesome Fairview is and stuff on June 6th.
Today, turns out Britton doesn't hate me???????? -_- Thanks a lot. So I was in less of a bad mood...
...and then they restricted my computer account.
So I can't go online OR work on my Civil War newspaper or ANYTHING. I'm basically screwed and I'll have to help Amanda on HER computer.
But they got one of the librarians to try and help me and she had NO IDEA what she was doing, so it wasn't much help.
I'm pretty sure I know what happened: I've been going on too many game sites?? and now they're restricting me forever. Or until next year.
Woooow, I'm supposed to be a role model to my peers. I'm so NOT a role model. Michael was asking me all these political questions and, with the answers I gave, I would make the worst president ever.
And we had a 35 minute run in track.
I don't care what they think, running around for 35 minutes is ridiculous. 20 minutes is okay, I like 20, and doing the steps for like 32 or so minutes was pretty fun, but they just make you run around for a long time not doing anything. Not so fun.
How queer.
I'm hungry. I had like a million Oreos, but I want more.
I MUST BEAT HARVEST MOON CHAPTER 2!!!!!!!!
Tyler says in the coming chapters I should just sleep alot. SUre. And then my animals will die.

The Celebrity Dolls continue...Teddy Geiger

*drooling* Oooooh my goodness, Teddy Geiger is easily the best looking man alive. Forget George Clooney. I had to look at his photo for reference. Wow...wow...wow... Is it hot in here, or is that just me?? I was having a little bit of trouble breathing. Oooh my goodness. *puddle of drool*

The Celebrity Dolls continue...Blake Lewis

He's pretty ugly and not very Blake-like. AKA no facial hair. I like the jacket, though. This is biased because I suddenly hate Blake. he's been corrupted. He will lose his uniqueness (like he already has) and become another love-song crooing Elliot Yamin (Yeah, we get it, Elliott, you lost yo baby and now your soooo sorry!). I just need some shoes. Converse? Sure. Black shoes, black shoes. I feel like making another one after this. Who should it be? OH, and a hat for Blake. Simon Cowell, maybe? I just need old man jeans and a tight shirt. DANG, who should I MAKE, seeing as I can only make WHITE PEOPLE! I'd love to make James Lackey. Or Teddy...OMG, TEDDY GEIGER! These hats are way messed up. Antlers? Kitty ears? Bunny ears? A throbbing lump of flesh? Right now Blake has a visor... Hm... I guess the only good hats are the ones that come with hairstyles. I'll keep trying though. My aunt got me this awesome CD case for my birthday a while back and you can put a photo in it, but I don't have any photos of myself, so, like the immature fourteen year old I am, I'm debating which magazine picture to put in: the "after" picture of Teddy Geiger (sooooo hot) or Usher and his little brother James (little as in younger, not like 2...), who are BOTH hot.
Well, here he is; the imperfect Blake Lewis.
What ever happened to Chris Sligh, everybody???

To Spite Johnny Depp and West Side Story

I just realized I've been trapped in a vortex of bad movies lately. The latest was "West Side Story", aka a depressing piece of crap. I remember not wanting to see it when Mom told me it was just like Romeo and Juliet. I hate that play, for the most part. Yet I can't wait to do it in 9th grade. Hm...
But I just couldn't remember everyone's "real" names from the play. I had the basic characters right, I just couldn't remember any of the stupid names. I think it was Benvolio and Tybalt I had mixed up. Mercutio was his bff, right? Mercutio rules; if I ever do "Romeo and Juliet" his part is mine.
Why is it that all the cool characters in plays/movies are guys? You never see an exceedingly witty girl character. Unless you count Hillary Duff.
HAHAHAHAHA.
I just couldn't get over the fact that all the Sharks are supposed to be Puerto Rican, and Gino is Filipino. I kept screaming during the beginning, "NO! HE'S ASIAN! HE'S ASIAN! WHAT'S HE DOING SPEAKING SPANISH?" A few of my friends are Filipino and last time I checked that wasn't Spanish.
I have become a celebrity. My new government position has rocketed me into popularity.
NOT.
But I had A LOT of people I don't normally hang out with congratulating me and saying they voted for me. I noticed one of them wasn't either of my opponents. Don't really blame them, but I made one cry??? I have a head of security already, two secretaries, and three would-be assassins.
I'M MAKING A BLAKE LEWIS DOLL! With blonde hair. I've seen every hairstyle in the black section and it probably wouldn't work.
Best album ever: "To Spite Johnny Depp" by Trip Wilson.
Looong story.
Don't try looking it up on Amazon.
But they're pretty much my favorite band.
LOL.

The Celebrity Dolls continue...among other things

w00t.
I'm sooooo addicted to Harvest Moon. I keep telling myself, "ALMOST DONE WITH THE CHAPTER, ALMOST DONE!" But I'm not. I have another month to go, not to mention 3 more days of Fall. Daisy grew up, Fairy (the goat) is sick and dying (FINALLY...I mean, aww). I wonder how long it takes for an animal to die after getting sick. It's been three days. Hm... I'm officially rich thanks to my wonderful fruit trees. And my fried mushrooms recipe didn't work. :( But I don't see how Van's job is any good for him, because he has to pay 10,000+ gold for all my seeds and nobody ever buys anything from him.
I got Ducks named Harriet and Aflac. DUcks rule. But they won't lay eggs under the chickens like they're supposed to.
I feel like reading my trail journals. The fourth one is still on the floppy disk I have. And I have the feeling it will never be recovered. Unless I post it online at school? Nah. I'd have to type it out, and retype it. I just want the original file.
How will that work?
Fifth one: Never coming out.
THere's going to be a Shrek 4?
I thought the babies were cute. What does William know?
My dad bought me a swamp sludge McFlurry yesterday. Those are overrated. And the minty green ones are just like Shamrock Shakes.
I miss Johnson. I hate America. Or maybe just the abuse of women's rights. Woman: *pokes man* HE TOUCHED ME WITH HIS SHOULDER! SEXUAL HARRASSMENT! Judge: THAT'S EQUIVALENT TO RAPE! *sentences to 83,000,000 years in prison* Murderer: I killed 6 people. Judge: Eh, it's a free country. You're free to go.
YES, there's no "booster seat" law in Georgia, where I'm moving. Why does Grandma Nina think I want to go military? Or engineering? That's weird, seeing as I wouldn't follow orders and I'm crap with computers.

FOB Part 4: JOE TROHMAN!

This is Joe. No comment.


Okay, and these aren't Joe. I was just really bored.
Man, my face still looks like Joe's.
This is what I should look like (wings optional). (same with hat) Ooops, I made my mouth a lil big. Why did I decide to wear a dress as my fantasy me? AAAAGH, I WANT POMPOM BOOTS! Oh, and cool Lauren gets a pet. Probably not a puppy. Maybe a monkey? I want a pony, but noooo. Hmmm, dancing pigs, tempting. Or ducks. Personality shows through that way. Lol, I love the name I thought up.


This is what I actually look like (quite an edit from my first attempt at a realistic me. I actually have hair this time. And my nose is actual size. I had to keep the eyes. They were so pretty. So that's not so accurate, yo.) Because I'm so not the fantasy Lauren, I get a black cat/pumpkin. Must have Converse. OR POMPOM BOOTS! Depends on outfit, which will have an army green T-shirt (my new favorite color). I love how I'm just typing as I create these dolls. You're probably scrolling through this part. Shame, you should read it. WHERE ARE THE CONVERSE??? DANG, I can't find any SHOES! I've never actually worn socks like that. Okay, I have, but they were argyle. This is not going well. Okay, these are semi accurate... Now for the T-shirt... What a depressing song. BLEEDING VICTIMS I WATCH DIE, FILTERED THROUGH MY EYES BLOOD TURNS WHITE, TURNS WHITE! Wow, not wearing that shirt... This looks like something I would actually wear. Minus the purse. What's with the peace sign? Never mind. Man, these dolls are slutty. Or maybe I'm a prude. Both works. No skirts, no skirts, no skirts. CURSES, i wouldn't wear ANY of these jeans. Flared capris? Uh, no. Almost done, just need the nose and the hair minus hat. Hair has to be brown, because mine has like 5 inches of roots and it's basically all brown again. I'm keeping the mouth, too. It describes me. Better than the Pete mouth. Or the Joe mouth. OR THE ANDY EYES! Is my nose that big? I guess so. *sigh* It looks pretty hideous. But it's actual size. HANG ON, I'll just make the mouth bigger... Okay, dark brown curlywavy hair. Wow, this IS taking a while... OMG, THAT KINDA LOOKS LIKE MY HAIR! Ew, even hideouser. I used to have bangs, it should count... Oh yeah, and glasses. Emo glasses, where are the EMO GLASSES? Come on, DINNER IS READY! Those work! DINNER IS SERVED! That made no sense... Never mind, those are horrible, DINNER IS TAKEN BACK DUE TO SALMONELLA. Must find better ones, pleeeease. Yes, those are perfect.

IT'S KORN'S FAULT!

I woke up at 6:45 to march in the stupid Armed Forces Day Parade. I was in such a bad mood. I hate morning people.
Then we get to the field at 8:30...
AND WAIT THERE FOR 2 AND A HALF HOURS!
DOING NOTHING!
WE COULDN'T EVEN PLAY BECAUSE WE HAD TO "rest our chops"!!!11
I just don't do boredom.
It makes me mad.
And I took a lot of fetish-ish pictures of people's hair.
And then we had to stand in formation for another half hour. Pure torture.
I had a lot of violent fantasies of killing the girl in front of me. As wrong as it sounds, she couldn't march worth crap and she was just dumb and AAAAARGH she ticked me off.
The fantasies mostly included me grabbing both sides of her head and slamming it repeatedly into the ground; also slamming her head with my trombone slide, and a little bit of throttling? She almost got runover by a Cadillac. That didn't exactly help the fantasy parade.
But the parade was fun. Even though we played "Jump On It" like 6 times and I was so tired by the end.
I can't find Joe Trohman any good eyes. And he has a very innacurate face/hair.
Eh, that's good enough.
I don't feel like trying.
On the outfit, however...
I'm also going to make a very biased Davey Havock doll. Tyler will be so proud.
Joe shall have...Converse!
And I don't know what pants. Jeans? Brown jeans? Cargo pants? Aaaah, looking in the blue section now.
AAAAAH! Harvest Moon: On first day of fall. Harvested all summer tree fruit, put it in seed maker, and am currently rolling in money. Milking room, here I come. Sooey gave birth to a very adorable calf named Daisy, and is now giving Star milk, which I am converting into Good Cheese and Good Butter (creamy and delicious). I don't quite know how to convert my son to musicianism by the end of the chapter. I have many more years to do so, but hey, I might as well try.
Van won't come. MUST SELL HAPPY LAMPS! And billions of banana seeds.

FOB Part 3: ANDY HURLEY!

Andy has a very odd face right now. And the hair isn't perfect, but I don't want to spend like 3 hours working on hair.
Looking for perfect glasses.
Got 'em.
Now a band tee, some jeans, and stuffs. YES, perfect shirt. It has a butterfly on it, but he's vegan, he probably loves it. Oh no, I need to fix his nose. And he just shaved, so he has no facial hair. Now he needs shoes. QUICK, FIRST PAIR YOU FIND! I think those jeans are a little cruel.
IRONY: As soon as I said, "HOW CRUEL!" "Golden" started playing and opened with the line, "How cruel." Funny stuff.
Andy gets rainbow Converse. I think they're pretty.

FOB Part 2: PETE WENTZ!

I am officially an idiot. So the pants ARE working; I was looking in the wrong place. Still, it's a little too late...
Or not.
I'll fix him quick.
This is a very biased view of Pete Wentz, also I couldn't find the perfect hair.
I really don't feel like making it perfect, so here is a very rushed-looking, non-perfect Pete Wentz, everybody. I don't even think he wears those shoes... I should change those, they're pretty bad...
Well, I found Converse. For now, they seem perfect.
And the sort of skinny jeans.

Madame President

Wow.
Today was a GOOD DAY.

Let's see, I...
-got to skip math (however, I had to skip math to go to Mr. Faxon's fourth period and march 1.6 miles with no break)
-GOT ELECTED PRESIDENT! They made us wait THE WHOLE DAY and it wasn't cool, yo. But I was pretty surprised to hear it was me and not the other girl. :O Still shocked.
-Did ladders today in track. Whatever. That's good for me.

So it was just generally a good day. On Tuesday I have to go to registration night and speak to the new sevvies. I hope just because I'm president I have to be really niec to people. :(
I'm working on my celebrity dolls, and Patrick Stump does not look like himself. BUt I'm having fun. It's just that the pants weren't working? So I gave him a tux. And then I'll do Pete.
HARVEST MOON! Killing my goat. Gots lots of money off seeds from seed maker. Almost have a new calf (sold my other cow's calf because it was a bull and they just create more cows, especially when you don't need them. Also, he was ugly.
I'm halfway through summer. Ooooh yeah. Almost done with this chapter. But I keep on saying that...

FOB Part 1: PATRICK STUMP!

I feel like making eLAOUAI DOLLS FOR MANY DIFFERENT CELEBRITIES! Sorry if Patrick has creepy eyes.
Fine, so this doesn't really look like Patrick Stump.

I LOVE THE OFFICE!!!!!1

OMG THE OFFICE SEASON FINALE WAS THE BEST EPISODE EVER!
So Michael got back together with Jan because she got a boob job and he's a guy.
He leaves for New York, confident he will get the job at Corporate, leaving Dwight in his place.
Dwight goes mega pyscho, hires Andy as his second in command and Pam as his "secret" assistant to the regional manager.
Wow.
Jim goes to NY with Karen and she's all, "Rowr," about Pam's outburst about missing Jim and stuff last week, so she's like, "YOU MUST NOT BE WITH PAM!"
Stuff happens.
THEN Michael finds out that if he gets the job at Corporate, it will be JAN'S JOB. She's being fired, which she finds out from him, and now what's left for next season is he's in a horrible relationship with a control freak that he doesn't like.
Hm...
BEST PART, THO.
It's time for Jim's interview and he's talking to David, lalalala. Then he finds this note Pam wrote to him, so after the interview he goes back to Scranton and
ASKS
HER
OUT!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS all my hopes from last season have been FULFILLED!
And then, the most shocking thing of all;
Cut to David talking on the phone to someone: "Bla bla bla, you're hired, it will be great to have another MBA around." And then it cuts to RYAN!
RYAN IS TAKING THE JOB AT CORPORATE!!!!!
RAAAAAAAAAAAH!
And then Kelly's all, "Who was that?"
"Nobody. We're done."
Meaning THEY'RE BREAKING UP!
WOW!
WHAT A GREAT EPISODE!
I'm excited for next season.
So election results didn't come in today. Maybe tomorrow. I have a chance. I'm pretty excited, but I'm mostly dreading it.
Ooooh boy.
Track was fun. Extra gatorade.

Hum Hallelujah

Hooooooooly cow, speeches were today. First time I've ever had a panic attack.
Not.
It did make me really nervous, though. I was vibrating I was so freaked out. But then I prayed and it stuff and it was all good.
The speech went GREAT. I might have a chance, if only because I drew a lightsaber at the last part.
Yep, a $20 force/spring-action Obi-Wan styled blade.
Got it at Walmart.
LIFE IS GOOD.
And Mrs. Schultz-Story gave me a Snickers. EVen sweeter.
Lalalala.
I beat Warbears 2 again. Mission 2. Same thing.
AND ALL OF THE MOTHERS RAISED THEIR BABIES TO STAY AWAY FROM ME....AND PRAY THEY DON'T GROW UP TO BEEEEEEEEEEEE...
That's not Hum Hallelujah. I know that. It's "Golden".
Still a good song...
Track was a little boring. I don't have a relay team, so I just sprawled in the grass by the shotputs trying to tan (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!). But I got 20 feet, which is getting better. I know it's BAD, but it's better than what I NORMALLy throw.

I'm LeOW!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH I actually love track. It's all good. I missed yesterday because I got sick. *cough cough choke gag*
But it was nice. Spent most of my time playing Harvest Moon; got a food processing room (FINALLY) and my fruit trees are sprouting fruit, but it won't fall down. And Takakura is taking a while building that room. I need it for my CHEESE, brotha.
Why is my internet taking forever these days?
I THINK I CAN BEAT WARBEARS 2!!!!!!!
I've only beat the 1st mission twice. Because I suck. And whenever I try to play it on my OWN time, my internet decides to be dumb. I hate it. I always will. "Can we get high speed?" "Oh, maybe someday." That's what they said about a new dog. AND my pony! "Oh, maybe someday." Suuuuuuure...
I knew I didn't like Spring. Everyone gets together and makes you feel like crap because you have no one. Then they break up like a week later. Then they get back together. And it's annoying and hormonal. I've had two major couple friends of mine break up. What's up with life? Only one has got back together and the other, I'm NOT TAKING SIDES.
OH YEAH, TRACK! Uhhhh, we had to do more TIME TRIALS! YAY! One 400m, one 200m, one 100m. Each person. Yeah. It was great. Tiring and I almost passed out, but I took 6 seconds off my 400 and didn't do BETTER (okay, I did worse by a second) on 200 and 100, but it's still consistent, right?
Lalalalalala.
Um, my feet hurt.
I hate some of the sevvies on the track team. The girls are mostly nice, but there are certain guys who it's like, "SHUT UP, you're a slow little bugger and NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!" *sigh* That's my honesty for the day.
Ow ow ow ow my feet hurt SOOOO bad after 200 and I kept telling the coach my last name between "ow's" and he's like, "I NEED A LAST NAME!" It's like, "Wth, who would name their kid MY last name????"
Speeches are tomorrow. There's a really nice girl running for secretary with a funny speech. And she said I have a good chance of winning. YAY, esteem boost! But she really nice. I'm pretty sure she's going to win. I hope she does. She'd be a cool secretary.
There's like a trillion people running for District Senator. Have fun...

By the way...

Hey hey hey, everybody. I forgot.
On
Friday
we
had
the
last
pep
assembly
of
the
year.
Mr. Faxon let the Advanced Band/pep band do it all by ourselves, no Mr. Faxon conducting, and we did pretty good. It was a nice change. But even though he wasn't there, Mr. Faxon got us back by winning the Teacher's Appreciation Award.
Hm.
And
the
wedgies
won
the
jellybean
relay.
And
the
whole
pep
assembly.
WAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
That is all...

Three nights with the king

I'm sorry, I just can't get over it.
Hehehehehehe.
ANYWAYS, here was just a bunch of Hagai stuff I thought was funny. And the whole Armani outfitters thing.

1. Eunuchs are apparently really emotional about their loss of...um, toys.

2. Hagai was all emo throughout the whole movie. "You read?" "Reading is one of the few pleasures left to a man such as my self."

3. WE GET IT, YOU HAVE NO BALLS!!

4. Same with Jesse.
Jesse: Run away with me!
Esther: But I find the king sexy...and not you.
Jesse: *SCREAM OF RAGE* RAAAAAAAAAAAAHGANTALFIKLBLBLBLBLBBLAAAA!
Esther: *blink blink blink*

5. My mom has yet to explain all about eunuchness to me. I still don't get it; it's not like ALL OF IT'S gone. What does testosterone have to do with it???

6. Lol, Hagai sees Esther reading and is all, "You read?" Then he starts laughing for like 3 minutes. It was a like a scene from Borat. Not like I've seen Borat...

7. I wonder where the king got his clothes... They were *cough cough* *no political correctness* very gay. I mean, see through pants, peasant shirt, manskirt... Just doesn't work.

8. Queen Vashti looked like Queen Amidala.

9. Only not as talented.

10. She didn't even know what a blaster was.

11. Interesting fact my mom pointed out: If the king really thought Esther was cheating on him, she'd be dead.

12. When Esther walks into the throne room all wet, I was like, "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!!"

Yeah. That's all, although I am watching it again tonight, so I'll probably come back like five minutes later and be all, "AND THEN HE WAS A EUNUCH!"
So I am at my uncle's eating dessert on Mother's Day. Greg's iMac rules. I might just go Mac after all... Only I didn't know Internet Explorer didn't work on Mac.... So I restarted the computer like 6 times and it didn't work still and Scott's all, "Hahahaha, you're dumb." Or not. He's not allowed to call his sister's children dumb. Even though we are.
Out of old-fashioned style cheesecake, strawberry mousse, chocolate torte, and pound cake, the cheesecake was the best. The torte had good filling, but was a little dryish. Strawberry mousse is automatically a no. Pound cake is good, but I'd rather have cheesecake. Although it's easier to sneak pound cake.
Patrick Stump was only like 18 when they started FOB. he had a good voice. At first I hated "Evening Out..." but it's a really good first punk attempt.

More critical comments and laughable moments in our favorite Jewish film

OMGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ there were SO MANY THINGS I FORGOT TO ADD LAST NIGHT!!! Most are about Haman. Whatever. Let us begin.

1. Um, okay... "6 Esther said, "The adversary and enemy is this vile Haman."
Then Haman was terrified before the king and queen. 7 The king got up in a rage, left his wine and went out into the palace garden. But Haman, realizing that the king had already decided his fate, stayed behind to beg Queen Esther for his life."
Yeah, he was BEGGING all scaredy like. Not in this movie. Esther was all ashamed because the king didn't see her Jewish stars (more on that later) so Haman all comes over and starts breathing creepily in her ear. "Sssssssssssssspare meeeeeeeee, ooooh, sssssssssspare meeeeeeeeee," for like five minutes. ??????

2. Then he tries to strangle her. Yeah, that sounds terrified.

3. But then the king comes back and goes all Aragorn on him.

4. And has him hanged by the eunuchs.

5. hehehehehe.

6. Okay, Esther has this necklace that puts the Star of David all over the walls when held to the light.

7. It's kind of like that patch that the Jews had to war in WW2.

8. Haman hates Jews, right?

9. So they're in the library and he holds a torch to her neck because he's leaning down to pick up her scrolls. And THE STARS ARE EVERYWHERE, mostly on his face.

10. And yet he doesn't notice them at all???

11. And later in the dinner scene, she's all, "Can't you see them? Can't you see the stars?" and Nathan and I were like, "WTH????????"

12. The king could see those stars. That's what made him come back. *sniff*

13. OMG, BEST SCENE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE: Haman hates Jews, so he says they should seize the Jews' property to fund the war, and the king of Africa or whatever is all, "And you think they'll let us take it without a fight?" and Haman goes, "No, we must kill them all. Every last one." AND HE WAS DEAD SERIOUS! :O It was so funny, I almost choked on my Doritos.

14. I'm not an Anti-Semitic, whatever you might think.

15. Haman was really short. Short legs...

Lol, I didn't watch all of it, but I got to see my favorite "Spy Kids 3D" scene.
Elijah Woods: Cake...

One Night With the King...and they're not playing checkers...*wink wink wink*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
That is all I must say.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
I just watched "One Night With The King".
Which I THOUGHT was based of the BIBLICAL story of Esther, oh, did I hear that right, there's an entire BOOK in the Bible about HER!!!
No, it's actually based on a novel called "Hadassah".
Huh.
Whoever wrote that book was high.

I just need to criticize it. It was so messed up.

One Night With the King: Based off the Jewish story of Esther, a young Jewish girl in Persia brought to the palace after the queen is banished, bla bla bla, she marries the king because he thinks she's MAD sexy, and then she finds out Haman's crazy and wants to kill all the JEWS! So she forsakes protocol to save her people. Read the Bible if you want a better description than that.
Go to any hotel room. It's that or the book of Mormon. Take your pick.

1. The king was HORRIBLE! He was going for an angsty young rockerish Persian look, I think. He looked more like a male model than a king.

2. And during some duel thing he was wearing this hideous man skirt. It just OOOOZED masculinity.

3. And there was this weird nightmare scene where he was dreaming about gallows. It showed the king lying on his little bed, just showing him from the west up, and he's all sweaty, and he's tossing and turning, and it's like, "Wow, that's one good looking nightmare."

4. Whatever. He wasn't even hot. He was BUFF, though. Nice body. Though the sweat looked fake, like they'd oiled him or something.

5. There was this weird guy in the beginning who had a thing for Esther (excuse me, HADASSAH!), and he all hits on her, and then...and then...sorry, I'm laughing too hard to write it. But anyway, it was weird, like she had this whole epic romance with some other Jewish guy and it's like, "Was that in the Bible?"

6. The answer is NO.

7. Not like everything in a movie dramatization has to be word for word Scripture. But there was a lot of crap added that was like, "Where did you get YOUR research?"

8. Jesse didn't even LOOK Jewish. He was BLONDE and BLUEISH EYED.

9. Okay, I can say it now. Anyway, when all the young girls are being rounded up to go see the king (oooer), the young men are rounded up to become...EUNUCHS to serve the new queen.

10. As my brother so informed, it's not where they cut the entire thing off, just the balls. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

11. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

12. Esther had like a million of those eunuch's hitting on her. There was this Hagai guy and Jesse came back once he'd gotten over the shame of his manless-ness and they kept being all, "Hello, Esther...*wink wink wink*" Okay, that's only two. Whatever.

13. OMG, there was this part when Jesse is first working in the palace wearing his headscarf and earring, and he looks over and sees Esther and the look on his face says, "I'm so ashamed." It was perfect.

14. If you were giving a message to the queen in the middle of the night when it's pitch black and there's a thunderstorm going on, would you go up behind and grab her and put your hand over her mouth to prevent her from screaming?

15. Because Jesse did. It didn't make ANY sense.

16. There was A LOT going on about the king and Esther and how they were sO iN lOvE yOoOoOo. Uh, the king didn't really see Esther much at all, really. But in this movie, they sleep together every night and she's always sitting (I mean, RECLINING), in his lap.

17. There was this whole scene where it was Esther's "One Night With the King" (oooer) and she decides to read to him the story of Jacob and Rachel???? SUGGESTIVE CITY! He's all, "So I am Rachel and you are Jacob? Bla bla bla?" And she's all demure and, "NO, I didn't mean it THAT way, Your Highness."

18. While listening to her Genesis story, the king was all rubbing the heads of his idols and I was like, "Wth, is he playing with his dolls?" A very Dark Helmet moment.

19. The guard who tried to kill Esther for disobeying protocol looked very much like Djimon Hounsou...

20. We get it, Djimon, you're a scary black man.

21. The king thinks Esther's all having an affair with Mordecai (HER COUSIN!!!!) because she hugged him at a gate. Riiiiiight.

22. And he goes all emo and is like, "I thought I was your Rachel! But I am just your LEAH!" Again, read the Bible. Or go to Biblegateway.com or whatever and look it up.

23. Speaking of Mordecai, he (John Rhys-Davies) and Denethor (or John Noble...he will always be Denethor to me) were in it and there were like 3 Aragorn lookalikes. That and the acting and dialogue was so bad I thought I was watching a Peter Jackson film!!!

24. Oh, boooo, I insulted Peter.

I'm sorry if you disagree, but it was BAD.
My parents and brothers are watching "Spy Kids 3D". Must watch another crappy movie in which Elijah Woods makes a fool of himself. He's 36! Betcha didn't know that. Hope all the girls crushing on him knows he's almost 40...
I'm so cruel.
I wonder if pills can make my dreams stop being so weird...
Certain guy friend: *holding hands with other friend...who is of the opposite sex*
Me: NOOOOOOOO!
CGF: I don't even like her! *is wearing leather jacket*
Me: *remembers Britton saying: "It's all about the sleeves..."*