For some reason, they always target the band geeks....

I hate band contest. Really. They always give us the earliest possible time slot, we just happen to sound terrible, and while practicing, people decide to add an extra shot of annoying to the morning latte.
But, even with the lack of sleep and idiots who were convinced that we were performing at the junior high, not the high school, none of put me in a super bad mood.
Okay, it annoyed the bloody hell out of me, but it only put me in sort of a bad mood.
Then my pseudo boyfriend decided he'd rather hang out with his cute timpani playing sort-of-slutty "friend" than me.
And has either forgotten or doesn't feel the need to speak to me since Thursday afternoon.
Seriously, one day it's all good. We hung out like usual, talking, nothing special, and then by 6:30, concert time, I'm invisible.
Because our little friend needed help "tuning the timpanis".
And it SUCKS, because I'm pissed and feeling used and have spent pretty much all day moping, but he's NOT MY BOYFRIEND. Sure, I like this guy, he's one of my best friends, but we're not officially "dating", so if I tell the little tone-deaf slut to back off, I'm just a jealous loser who obviously took things the wrong way.
For approximately 6 months, anyway.
Yep. I'm that bad at reading boy signals, apparently.
And he's not exactly telling her to back off. He loves the attention, I can tell.
It makes me SO MAD, because it's not like she's so much better than me.
Sure, she's cute, and sort of musical, but she's annoying and dumbs herself down so much that she's borderline retarded.
I have never dumbed myself down in my whole freaking life and know what a frigging key signature is.
But she's got more to offer.
And, come Monday, all this moping will have been for nothing. Oh, that was just a misunderstanding, he really likes me and he didn't know she bugged me (B.S.), but whatever, I'll probably accept his apology because I'm an idiot like that.
Either that, or we're no longer "friends" or whatever we were. We weren't "just friends", but we weren't "dating", and we weren't stupid enough to be "friends with benefits".
Ugh, and I hate the fact that this girl REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD OF A PERSON. I LIKE her. She's not my friend, but she's REALLY nice. Sort of a tease, but NICE! We can talk about politics like nobody's business and be on the same side, and she's been nothing but nice to me.
Except for hitting on the guy I like. And just about every other male in the school.
So it's really confusing to watch her throw herself at him, and then give me a friendly "hello" while I'm putting my trombone together.
Band Contest wasn't even that bad yesterday, the lack of sleep and musical idiots ("Oooooh, that's a B Flat?") notwithstanding. I saw Emily for the first time in like, what, a year? It was really cool to see her because she's so optimistic and always happy and she can put herself into any situation and get along with people. We talked for a little bit and it was the high point of my day, but I probably won't see her again for another year or two.
But then we had to go back to school.
Ugh. At least if I'd tuned those freaking timpanis, they would have actually been in tune. That's supposed to be an E, sweetheart, not an F#.

Change is lame...as is this semester

Your Energy Level is Moderate

For you, life is all about balance. You keep active, but you rest a lot too. You have enough vigor to get everything done... with a little left over for some fun. You find that you have plenty of energy, as long as you give yourself time to recharge. But if you don't take care of yourself, you notice that your energy levels really plummet.

What's Your Energy Level?

You Are Cool

You don't necessarily dislike other people, you just don't feel all that comfortable around them. You tend to keep your distance. However, people may misread you and think you're being a snob. If you want to be warmer, try starting small. Smile more. Greet people. Ask them how their days are going. It doesn't take a lot to get some warm energy going. And it will make both you and the people around you feel better.

How Warm Are You?

What is the meaning of life?: Melancholics at their best

Wednesdays are the new Mondays.
Or maybe today was an exceptionally bad one.
Because, on most days, I tend not to get into catfights with other girls.
And my guy friends usually have their head on straight and know that "horrendous insult" is not synonomous with "friendship" and "sharing your feelings".
To top it all off, some guys PURPOSEFULLY blocked my way in the hall and thought it was pretty freaking fantastically hilarious, which might have been merely "annoying" on some days, but was catastrophic today.
I'm pretty sure I punched one of them, but I can't remember.
And it was going pretty well up until lunchtime.
So thanks, to my former friend.
And I actually felt BAD about yelling at that girl.
She might be ANNOYING and SEMI-IDIOTIC and what not, but really? She's never DONE anything to me, and I felt HORRIBLE after our "fight". Really awful.
Really, guys are SOOOO good at ticking me off. They're PROS at it.
They're pretty lame, especially in high school.
I mean, they're so SHALLOW. They're "best friends" with certain girls (okay, yeah, this is me we're talking about), but only "like like" the "pretty" (read: slutty) girls, and are completely lame about overweight girls (*cough cough* double standard*).
So girls like me whine about the guys we like NEVER LIKE US (which is...pretty true) and how about no guy will EVER LOVE US. Then some guy comes along and DOES like us, but he's nerdy or weird or we just don't like him, so he "doesn't count".
So really, girls are just as bad as guys, which means people, in general, SUCK.
Why is it that guys think it's cute when girls act stupid?
Really?
Why is that attractive?
I wouldn't want the person I'm dating to be an idiot, or to dumb themselves down in any way.
I suppose it makes guys feel superior or something. "Sweet, she has an IQ of 5 and I have an IQ of 6!! I'm wearing the pants in this relationship!"
Apparently the criteria for a girlfriend is someone who's "pretty" and "stupid" with big boobs.
And why is it that girls who actually HAVE boyfriends flirt with everything on two legs with a penis?
You have a guy who likes you, you moron. Leave some for the rest of us.
And the weird thing is: GUYS LIKE THAT.
Yaaaay, the sluttier you are, the better.
Hurray for the need for attention and inattentive fathers (since that's the excuse always give for this behavior).
How do dating relationships even come to be? One person likes another person, and that person is so flattered by the attention that they feel the need to have this poor sucker stroke their ego every day by holding hands with them in the hallway.
Seriously, asexuality MAKES SENSE!
Because either you're dealing with girls, who ACT stupid, or you're dealing with guys, who ARE stupid.
Hope you enjoy that round of venting from your [least] favorite nerdy freak.

Stop sending me cocky e-mails, John McCain

We'll never get bored cuz we can go boarding.
Let's let the sunshine take us there.
As much as I despise this band, this is a pretty catchy song.
Ugh, John McCain is being obnoxious. He keeps sending us e-mails like, "Good debate last night", and, "2 Weeks to Victory!"
I bet Barack Obama is sending similar e-mails to his friends, but really?
I DON'T think you're going to win, John, and I think you know that.
Mmm, corn chips.
It's hard to type when a dog is LYING ON YOUR ARM.
Thank you, Tie.
Monday??
Flexible??
No complaining??

You Are Monday

Like this day of the week, you are ruled by the moon. More than anything, you are flexible. You are moody and impressionable. You are easily influenced by the world around you. And while you can be temperamental, you eventually adjust. While Mondays tend to be the hardest day for people, you don't mind getting back to regular life. You're the one waking up early and making the coffee while everyone else complains.

What Day of the Week Are You?

"La Boheme" and "Rent" are so similar, it's crazy. You can see things in "La Boheme" that Jonathan Larson took and added to each character from "Rent": Colline's coat, Schuanard's musical abilities, etc.
And Marcello is Mark and Joanne mixed into one character.
Alcindoro also reminded me a lot of both of them.
English was sort of a bummer.
As much as I love my teacher, we do NOT share the same views: morally, ethically, OR politically.
He was going on and on about moral absolutism vs. moral relativism and how moral relativism is how it SHOULD be, or rather, how it IS, and I got really bummed out, because he was completely dissing all my opinions (unwittingly, but still) and I didn't really get a chance to speak up.
It was just like...agh.
Ryan needs to eat.
Hurray for double chocolate Ho-Hos.
The best part is unrolling them and seeing the chocolate syrup. It's great.
But they're a little sticky.
Pajamajams. Pretty comfortable.
It seems like Jonathan Larson related to Mark the most, which is cool, because that's how I feel, especially regarding the song "Halloween".
Emma's little Pekinese attacked me.
But it wasn't very scary.
Don't you hate waking up early and thinking you're on time??
For example, when your alarm is set to 5:30, but you wake up at 1:30?
Sucks, doesn't it?

At least have the balls to say it to my face

Ugh. Frustrating.
The wonderful little youth band told us to come to church at 8:00 AM, so we could "practice".
Turns out that not all of us needed to be there and it was going to be an acoustic session (meaning only the regulars got to play).
Ooookay.
The messed-up thing was the ADULT leader knew NOTHING about this, but the TEENAGE leader did. And his excuse was, "Oh, I forgot," and, "I tried to call some people."
Right. Thanks.
So we "practiced" and they just ignored me and William the entire time. Even if I had a question, it wouldn't get answered unless one of The Chosen Ones spoke up and asked the same thing.
Then, when it came time to play, there's no room for me and William on the stage and they haven't communicated to us AT ALL. It's a wonderful feeling, being ignored.
Screw those people. I'm so freaking finished with them.
And they did the EXACT same thing when Sierra went and she never wants to go back.
I don't blame her.
It's just SO STUPID; they keep asking to people to "volunteer", because "maybe God is calling you", but when people show up, they ostracize them!!!
Seriously, what's even the point?

The Epic of Gilgamesh

Ooooooooooh. I know I failed that history test. I don't think anybody studied, or even read the chapter.
At least Mr. Hurd gave us freebies.
Tyler looks surprisingly good with his head shaved. And the seedlings are really soft.
It's kind of like he's always had a shaved head.
Though he does sort of look like a skinhead.
Ugh, people who think they're utterly superior bug me.
I guess that's why I won't be going to UW.
It's just annoying when my friends start acting that way.
And I know I act that way about some things.
I just never knew how annoying it could be.
Youth group SUCKS. It's like everytime I go is some new drama.
So I'm minding my own business and I get hit in the face with a ball, hitting me square in the nose and popping both lenses out of my glasses.
Nice, guys. Real nice.
So I start crying and Sierra had to fix my glasses and some guy (whose name I never learned) got me some ice.
That set the stage for a wonderful evening.
And my nose still hurts. At first, my mom told me it wasn't broken, but now she's saying it might be.
Ugh. All I know is it's even larger than normal.
My dad was listening to a pastor on the radio talk about homosexuality, and he supposedly "drove his point home" by stating, "Homosexuality was a non-issue until the Bible came out."
And that was supposedly a REALLY good point that showed how wrong homosexuality really is.
?????
Seriously?? If I were a non-Christian, that would just convince me that the Bible is stupid and homophobic and God is screwed up.
I think my dad wants grandchildren. He snatches up every baby he sees.
Well, no, he doesn't, because that would be weird.
But when there's a baby at our house, he's like, "Baby! *scoop*" and holds it for 12 hours.
Matt was pregnant, but he gave birth and someone stepped on the baby. OUR baby.
Then he kept sucking on that stupid smoothie.
"Can I have some brown sugar Pop Tarts?"
"Cherry?"
"You're going to ruin your life! RUIN IT!"

Sacrifice one...

...for the lives of many.
Seriously, it was the only way.
Barton could let Marilyn stay, rather than sending her out into her doom, but then they both would have died, and they would wouldn't have gotten to the sick men in time, resulting in a total of 8 deaths.
He also could have sacrificed himself, but then MARILYN would have had to fly the ship, and the EDS was on a tight schedule, so why would it be good to kill yourself for one girl when other people need you?
And Marilyn was a STOWAWAY, which is pretty much ILLEGAL, and for which the stowaway was condemned to death in the law.
So maybe it wasn't completely fair, but there were consequences for the choice she made.
Although she WAS a really nice person and didn't deserve to have her lungs ripped through her chest.

You Are 45% Pirate

Ahoy matey! Ye can think o' yerself as a swashbuckler in trainin'. If ye study hard an 'do what the captain tells ye, ye may be gettin' part o' the booty. Get to work on yer pillagin', swordfightin', an' drinkin'. Ye dasn't want to end up in Davy Jones' locker, so make sure ye pipe down when the captain be around.

Would You Make a Good Pirate?

Argh argh argh. So kind of a crappy day.
I'm having MAJOR PMS.
That, and the weather is crappy and Washington-like, and I'm still sick, and I went to the orthodontist and I'll be wearing these retainers for-freaking-ever, and we had the LAMEST assembly during advisory today.
Uggggh.
But I'm mostly mad about the stupid orthodontist thing. AAAAARGH IT'S BEEN 6 FREAKING YEARS SINCE I STARTED "TREATMENT" I WANT TO BE DONE!!
But noooooooooooo, I have to wear these retainers for another 8 MONTHS.
If braces are so expensive, why did my parents MAKE me get them if they need the money?
And if they didn't need the money then, they could have at least gotten me a pony.
Stop Global Warming...
...or all the Reese's will melt!

Blue eyes are overrated.

I look in the mirror and they sicken me.
Brown eyes just look better.
And blue eyes are often the target of authors who wish to prattle on and on about the character's "piercing gaze".
Ugh, I had my last drive today. Thank God it's finally over. I never get nervous before a big test, so it ticks me off when I make stupid mistakes anyway that I can't attribute to nerves.
But, again, Ed yelled at me FAR MORE than he yelled at Phoebe.
But that's probably just me being paranoid.
Or in denial.
Ugh, I'm so glad to see the back of him, and I think for him the feeling's mutual. There's no need to make me feel like a complete and total failure for not turning my wheels when parking on a hill.
And then my dad made things worse by spazzing out over some quizzes I needed to make up, and I didn't know which ones I had to make up, so he was all, "WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING ME???"
Ticks me off to know end. It's called listening, try it some time.
Ugh I'm just really PMS-y right now.
I just finished "The Crucible", which both Mr. Hurd and Mr. Rosendale reccommended, and that was pretty dang depressing.
Cliff notes for The Crucible: Everyone dies.
I didn't agree with part of what the author was trying to portray, though.
But that happens all the time.
ENOUGH WITH THE SARAH PALIN JOKES!
Cyrano de Bergerac is my hero.
I wish I could come up with good comebacks like he does.
Mr. Anspach is showing the 1950 film in class and it's pretty sweet.
I love how he has a big nose, but flaunts it. Which is what I try to do. But he's a pro.
Roxanne is such a lame-o, though. You don't tell your guy friend you like another guy. You just don't. It's awkward and cruel. I almost cried when he realized Roxanne didn't love him back. :(
But he only likes her because she's pretty. Seriously.

Love is an overused word...but Kimberly Kirberger believes every teenager has been in love?? The big debate

Aaargh, not in a good mood, thanks to Tie.
Let's just say the neighborhood dogs have had enough of her and my finger has seen better days.
I got my learner's permit today, and I'm starting Driver's Ed tomorrow. Fun. XP It sounds a lot like science class: extremely boring. I mean, fun. Because there's nothing I'd rather do than take notes on what some old guy has to say about turn signals and parking brakes.
I wish they would warn you when they take the photo. The lady just told me to hold that smile. So of course I decide to look to the side and smile over THERE when the camera goes off. Yeah, I'm not stupid or anything. It was so bad, they let me take another picture.
My mom took me to a used bookstore, and we looked through the paltry Christian fiction section. About 11/12 of the bookcase was "Inspirational Christian Romances". "Love's Unending Promise" and all those stupid prairie books were among them. They did have some Judy Baer books, though. Argh, but Frank Peretti? Don't even bother reading his books. 9 times out of 10 the end has to do with angels and demons. "The Oath", however, had to do with a dragon that ate everyone's sin. Sorry I spoiled it. But I read parts of his books aloud to my mom to show her how ridiculous he is, and the old ladies in hats kept glaring at me.
Whatever. That's what they get for blocking the entire row when I wanted to get by to look at the Princess Diaries books.
My mom let me get this Chicken Soup book. I don't know why I picked it up, but I secretly love Chicken Soup, and this one was for Teens (with a capital T) on "Relationships".
It's pretty cheesy. The author means well, because she says in the intro that adults can be condescending and patronizing and that she won't give advice that falls into either category. But every other page has a cheesy crappy love poem on it. One was about falling into the abyss, and I seriously thought it was about hell until the final line of the poem said something about "falling into the arms of love".
Wow. Okay. Thanks, Christy Miller.
And the author truly believes that there is someone out there for everyone.
I'm not trying to sound hopeless or cynical (well, okay, I am trying to sound a little cynical), but I don't agree. Some people never find anyone, and there's nothing physically or emotionally wrong with them. They're just not meant to find anyone, I guess. Which sucks, don't get me wrong, but if there was really someone for everyone, why don't they find anyone? And the author says that if someone doesn't love you back, it's not because there is something wrong with you. But she also says relationships won't work if you don't love yourself, and you have to open yourself to love. So, essentially, if you're not getting any (or you're just eternally single), you're not opening yourself to love. Either that, or you don't love yourself. There have been people that are very self-confident (and not cocky or anything) and open to love that haven't found anyone!! They just don't!! And they're not doing anything wrong, though they feel like they are. No, I'm not an expert on love, but, interestingly enough, the author of the book is SINGLE!! So she can't exactly prove that there is someone for everyone when she has no one.
Argh. It just bugged me.
There's a chapter on unrequited love that I'm sort of looking forward to. Just because that's something everyone goes through, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one.
Wow. That sounded very emo and bitter. Trust me, I try not to dwell on crap like that. I just like being able to relate to people who have had the same experiences as myself.
That still sounded emo and bitter.
I think I need some time alone.

Now I'm no longer alone

The song "Blue Moon" makes me smile. No clue why.
"Leader of the Pack" is dumb...and super depressing.
As is "How to Save A Life".
I'm addicted to the Wii now.
I played it for the first time at Alexis' house and it's pretty amazing. Especially Wii Sports and Mario Party.
Yaaah High-Spirited Duo!!
My family has the old school "Game of Life" from the 80's, so the highest salary is $50k as a doctor, and you don't buy houses or pay off your college loan.
But in the newer game, you gain money from life experience, which is much needed, seeing as you have to pay off college, night school, and a house w/ a meager salary. Alexis and I were bankrupt for much of the game. And I had stock and NO ONE SPUN THE NUMBER 7 THE ENTIRE GAME!!
How positively depressing.
Summer is cool and all, but not when you don't really have anything to do...or blog about.
Oooh.

Champions and chumpions (and the lies of Disney)

A LOOOOT has happened since Monday, but I have to get all the stupid "Camp Rock" stuff out of my system.
Agh, what a letdown. Seriously, there was so much hype. "Demi Levato is a superstar!" "The Jonas Brothers rule!" "This is the next High School Musical!!!"
Not quite.
"High School Musical" was *ahem* a musical (hence the name). "Camp Rock" is about a large freakish group of musicians that assemble at a Canadian camp, so there was definitely music involved, but not a lot of big song and dance numbers, and none of the songs were really memorable or special. It was just generic Disney crap.
Demi Levato DOES have a great voice, but she didn't do a lot of singing. She had 2 or 3 songs max, and they were short. Also, none of the other characters were all that good. More generic Disney crap, a few Cheetah Girls clones, some uber-stereotyped black and Mexican kids, etc.
Sadly, Joe Jonas was probably the best actor in the entire movie, but that's not saying too much.
I'm not saying the movie wasn't totally enjoyable (for the most part, anyway). It was just a little disappointing.
There were some totally amazing lines, though. Kevin's character cracked me up.
"Which color?" "Those are exactly the same." "So you see my dilemma!!!"
"I wanted a birdhouse so more birds would come..." (you'd have to be there)
"It's the silver rule. Okay, the copper rule." (Okay, again.)
"I was just, you know... MMM, toast."
Awww, my favorite song was probably the stupid finale one. I feel so LAME.
On other non-"Camp Rock" news:
GRADUATION!!!!! It was scary, because I was one of the MCs and I messed up a lot, but the principal said I did great. Sure. It's all right if you're lying. Graduating itself was so weird, because I'm SO not ready to go up to the high school, but it was also like, "Finally, school's over." But only partly. I got a couple awards, but the only one I was really surprised by was the "Outstanding Service" award. Yay, I put my name on a plaque! I don't get to KEEP it, but whatever, it's in the school.
Argh, do NOT want to go to the high school next year. Me and a bunch of my friends auditioned for Wind Ensemble on Tuesday and only two people made it. I wasn't one of them. It kind of made me feel like crap, because I know it wasn't personal, but the guy who DID make it in my place has been playing trombone for 2 years, and if I've been playing for 5 and he's better than me, how much do I suck?? I guess I've always been really cocky about my playing ability, but it turns out I was totally wrong.
So that kind of sucked.
But then I went to Alexis' youth group w/ Alexis, Daniel, and Jessica, and Daniel ripped his hand open; Alexis, Jessica, and I called our team "The Poofters" (for all you Kiwis); and then we watched "Charlie and Candy Mountain" AND the sequel about the Banana King.
Yeaaaah, at my grandma's AGAIN. High speed!! Woooh!!! We're just hanging out and partying (although my grandparents are in bed). There is an abundance of brownies. Their neighbor tried to bring over 3 pans of pudding filled double chocolate brownies.
I love that man.

Tell the boys where to find my body

So I knew Freshman was going to suck.
But it made me really depressed when it did.
It's just so stupid!! It's nothing but a dance in your SCHOOL CAFETERIA, for crying out loud, and all the girls are wearing slutty dresses that they'll probably never look at again and the guys are bored and don't want to dance, and the DJ is a HORNY PERV who deserves to go to jail for ogling teenage girls AND playing crappy music.
And I don't know why Alie and Mikey came with us because they didn't want to dance and felt like being alone, so Amanda hung out with them a lot, so what was the point of coming together??
A super bad sign that the night was going to be bad was Alie's lack of ticket. Amanda had told me Ms. Wales had told her that Alie could buy one at the dance. It's sort of my fault because I doubted that, and I KNEW all of the dance rules, but I went along with it, so we got to the dance, and Alie and I got in MAJOR trouble with both principals, but at least they let us in (after making Alie fork over $12).
And the weird thing?
All that is apparently rooted in self-esteem issues I had in PRESCHOOL.
Speaking of that, it does bring up some interesting questions?
What makes people "popular"? Is it like a gene? And why, even when I'm in a freaking DRESS, do I still feel like a man compared to all my girl friends? And why do guys suck copious amounts of balls??
I now know what makes people gay. Woooo.

Do YOU have a date to Homecoming?

AAaaaaaaaargh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. Thanks a whole lot, Mrs. Lutz. I was having a REALLY GOOD DAY. No, all my dreams did not come true, but I was having a pretty hilarious time with all my friends and teachers, learning interesting things about Shakespeare, whores, and Al Gore.
Then you decided to ruin it for me.
Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO much.
I'm sure she meant to be nice and all. She just wanted to give us some guidelines about how not to screw up the Freshmen for your girlfriend or whatever.
But come on.
It just made the dateless feel like total crap.
Because even though she stressed how much more fun it would be if you went with a group, she definitely had fun mentioning all the things you could not do without a date.
And, okay, you could do them, but you would look like a loser.
Buying yourself a corsage? Loser.
Taking yourself out to dinner? Pitiful.
Taking a picture by yourself? Why don't you go slit your wrists, you stupid emo kid?
And the dance itself is so lame. Why is everyone making such a big deal out of it? "A Night in Paris"? Are you kidding me?
And pictures are $25!!!!! $25 for a lame picture of you in an ugly dress with a guy in a tuxedo who so obviously doesn't want to be there, and after you buy it, you'll probably never look at it again.
And while I'm trying to convince myself it's just a STUPID junior high dance, Mrs. Lutz did a pretty good job in making me feel like an insignificant dateless loser.
Who will NOT look good in her freshmen dress.
So thank you.
I'm going to go eat some dinner, ignore others, do math homework, and come back hopefully when I'm in a better mood.
But I have decided I'm DEFINITELY not going to freshmen.

Hell is other people

Lethal combination:
Very little sleep + PMS + negative feelings = torture
The Sunday School drama continues. So I skipped it today. And I only felt a little bit guilty.
Come on, I spent the entire time reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.
So basically, it's not just that I hate Sunday School; it's also that I AM the stuck-up unfriendly b*tch everyone thinks I am, and I could care less about making friends.
Not like I'm proud of it, but skipping Sunday School might become a normal occurance.
Jessica's party was fun, though. We watched "I Am Legend" and messed around in the hot tub talking about the freshmen and stuff.
"I Am Legend" wasn't that scary, just really intense. Too bad Bob Smithouser spoiled the entire thing for me. Whatever. It was good. SAM!!! "Sam, protect Daddy!"
Cake. Monkeys. Shells. Sweet. Yeah, baby.
Don't ask.
Aaagh, my dad listened to my shuffle up to 444!!!
Ha, Josh Groban.
Hey, we saw Matt and Anita (and Katie) at church. They're thinking about going there from now on (thinking being the operative word). Cool.

Sitting atop the crap heap

Wow. I've said so many times this year that 14 sucks, and you're probably getting annoyed and want me to, I don't know, get counseling or something, but I gotta say it again: 14 sucks SERIOUS BALLS. It's partly my fault, too. I guess I'm just setting myself up for failure. Ugh, I just feel a lot of pressure from all sides and school, the one thing that helped me take my mind off things, is just as bad.
It might have started with the disastrous parent/teacher conference this morning, but yesterday wasn't fun either. I just started stressing and I blew up, made decisions, changed my mind a million times, and got really tired. Like bone weary.
Aaaaaaaagh conference so NOT successful. I think my actual problem is I just really hate people, and I hate it when people get in my business. I'm sitting at the table cryin, and my teacher and my mom are all up in my face going, "Why are you doing so bad at school, Lauren? We know you can do it. Do you need help? We're going to get help." Aaaaargh I DON'T WANT HELP. How come whenever I ask for help it's never given or it's unsatisfactory, but when I want to go it alone people are jumping on my back offering tissues and counseling sessions. It was way depressing. Somehow I really don't think talking to a counselor is going to help me. I'm just going through a permanent stage of PMS that's not going to change any time soon.
French pisses me off. Really. I'm so sick of that class and some of the people in it and the teaching, so I was started stewing and not participating and dissing Mr. Caley under my breath, and Chelsea got pretty mad and moved seats.
I can only say thank God for my friends because I was really tired and depressedish in Pre-AP but then all my friends started cracking me up and being helpful in a non-direct way so that felt better.
Does stress increase or decrease estrogen? Cuz I'm full of something and it's driving me crazy. I miss the endorphins. Cutting yourself is so not worth it, but if I can get the endorphins back I'll be happy. Aaaaaagh I'm just all failurish, but then I'm also just feeling REALLY sorry for myself and being the victim and cursing 14, and I honestly don't want to deal with anything. I'd rather just sleep and let it get worse while I stay uninvolved, detached, aloof (Pre-AP word), crap like that.
I better get used to the view from the crap heap, though, because I still have 57 days before I feel like any of this is going to get better.

14 hath gone too far

Aaaargh. My day really sucked. I got a 69% on the math test. Dude, 69%!!!!! Ugh, I was so mad. Then I get to band and we have to do like 5 freaking worksheets on counting that were really tedious, and I drew a picture of liberated hamsters.
I've been in a bad mood since last night. I finally just got really tired of how emotional my life has been lately and some of the stuff that's going on. I ended up getting really mad (what else is new), like shaking with anger mad, and bawling. I felt and still feel really awful and messed up and I don't want to play the victim, but this is not my fault and I hate everything that's happening.
Aaaaargh.
I got candy, though. William gave me a huge portion of his candy, which was way nice. Some bastard threw an egg at him. >:P That made me really mad. I like how like 20 years ago you could go trick-or-treating without your parents and be completely safe, but now there's retards throwing eggs and crap.
I don't want to offend any gay people, but honestly, the word "faggot" SOUNDS like a really bad insult. I hate what it means, but if I'm mad at somebody, I would probably call them a faggot because it embodies anger pretty well. Who even thought up the faggot = gay thing? That's so lame. In England, it means cigarette or a bundle of sticks.
French sucks big time. Bla bla bla, no one gets it, no one cares either, and all we're learning is "Racism is bad" and how that somehow relates to sex and autism. WTH? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FRENCH??? IF I WANT TO GO TO AFRICA WHEN I'M OLDER, I NEED TO SPEAK THE FREAKING LANGUAGE, NOT SPEW OUT SOME BULL ABOUT RACISM AND SEX!!!!!!!!
Aaaaaargh. Just AAAAAAAAARGH. HOLY CRAP!!! Yes, I realize that was a lot of whining, a lot of, "Awwww, I'm a fourteen year old white girl with big social problems," and, "Why can't anyone heeeeelp meeeee?" So, I guess I'm sorry, but I'm really tired of disappointments. I really thought this was supposed to be a good year.
14 SUCKS.

Let's all become doctors!!

Aaaaagh too much drama in this house. I had two major fights with my dad and then one with my mom this morning. :P It sucks. They're calling me out on a respect issue and complaining all the time. Or at least yesterday.
I do feel pretty bad, and they're actually right, but I don't feel like they're taking any of the blame. Yeah, typical teenage thing to say. Whatever. They're telling me about all this stuff I did and I recall them doing the same thing in this situation. What's up with that? We're supposed to have this big talk today so my dad and I can resolve all our issues. So not looking forward to that, because I'll just explode again and that will mean more "talks", but if I'm all meek and begging to be forgiven, well, that's not honest now, is it? :P Aaargh.
School was actually pretty awesome, tho. I got to skip French (altho I heard they watched a movie. Awww.) and the rest of the day was pretty fun. I learneded!
Yeah. School is amazing. I want to live at school like Harry Potter. And take more than one language.
Yay, I finally got my book journal back, so I got to finish with stupid "Stardust". Ugh, lamest book ever. Well, not lamest, but it was a letdown. I had pretty high expectations for it. "Golden Compass" rocks.
I had to write a thank-you note today. Then everyone else copied it.
Science was cool. Did a lab. Awesome.
Yeaaaaaah, if vampires don't drink blood, what DO they do??
If the movie is better than the book, didn't the author fail? Because you can't make a book from a movie (unless it's one of those junior novelizations). It's sort of implied that if there's a movie being made from it, the book was amazing. I'm thinking of movies that were better than the books.
1. Eragon (sadly, and the movie was pretty awful, but Murtagh was a hottie)
2. Ella Enchanted (sorry)
I guess that's only two examples. As Mrs. Sims would say, not enough evidence. But I was totally looking forward to the transvestite pirate in "Stardust" and I guess that's only in the movie.
Aaaaaagh All-District tonight. Please no, please no. But yes. I'm forced to go. I have the sudden urge to dance to "All For One". That's like my new favorite song. Besides "Earthquake".

If we were a movie

Yesterday was so not worth it. I would've rather been at school. Yesterday just allowed me to sit and stew and be in a bad mood all day until I finally exploded at my parents. It was pretty bad.
So today I had to wake up at 5:30 AM for jazz band, which was not fun, and couple with yesterday's bad mood, I was pretty dangerous. But I guess jazz is therapuetic? I actually enjoy it, despite the fact that I've been resisting jazz band since 6th grade.
OMG, 6th grade flashback, when I wanted to take Spanish, but the principal literally forced everyone who was in band and between the grades of 6 and 8 to do jazz band as their elective. I hated that school.
So school is taking my mind off things, but I'd rather not talk to people, so if y'all could leave me alone for the next few days, it would be great.

The voodoo doll theory

I remember this theory my friend Elaine and I had in fourth grade after reading Tamora Pierce's "In the Hand of the Goddess": God had these little dolls of everyone he'd ever created, and whenever one of us got hurt, we blamed it on him "dropping a doll". I didn't say it was theologically correct, but we were in 4th grade.
Just a flashback.
I think God is trying to kill me.
He is making my life a very painful place and its getting on my nerves.
I keep tripping, running into walls, getting cramps, having stomach problems, getting sick, and falling into deep bouts of depression (often on a Sunday).
My life sucks.
I think God is trying to kill me.

Sunday, or how I missed my one oppurtunity to talk to a french guy because I didn't want to look like a moron.

Marie got me this book called "The Writer's Block". I think I said that before.
So I finally summoned the guts to try it out, and opened to a page that said, "Write about the first time you defied your parents."
o.O
How am I supposed to remember? And it was embarassing even writing about it, because of course my family's "Christian", so I'm a "good kid" and the worst thing I've ever done is steal my friend's candy.
Not like I'm going to go smoke pot just to spice up my life a little bit, but I hate it when I'm sitting around with friends and they decide to randomly ask, "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
....
Um...get born?
But that whole tiny paragraph transformed into a huge rant about how mad I am at some people. Now that I've got THAT out of my system, there is less of a chance that the next time I see this person they will become a bloody mass on the ground.
Only I don't actually want them dead. I don't know....
So Marie, if I kill somebody, this is totally your fault.
But I still don't have any idea of how to edit my stupid writing project because there's three major parts that really SUCK right now and I don't actually want to WRITE. I like this idea and if I leave it alone too long it will fizzle and I'll be dead and sobbing over lost characters, but really? I'd rather write a shallow fanfic about dead Fred. Heh. That rhymed.
And I freaking hate it when I see old teachers that are all, "Oh, are you still writing? You were such a good writer!" Um, no. "Why not?" Because I take myself way too seriously.
Aaaaaargh.
And I have nothing to WRITE ABOUT.
I like the self-deprecating sentence I wrote in the rant, tho. But I probably shouldn't put it here in case it tarnishes all of y'alls perception of me as "the good kid".
Btw, Barnes and Nobles sucks.
And my mom blew me off and used "introvert" as an insult.
And they wonder why I have no self-esteem....