One Night With the King...and they're not playing checkers...*wink wink wink*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
That is all I must say.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
I just watched "One Night With The King".
Which I THOUGHT was based of the BIBLICAL story of Esther, oh, did I hear that right, there's an entire BOOK in the Bible about HER!!!
No, it's actually based on a novel called "Hadassah".
Huh.
Whoever wrote that book was high.

I just need to criticize it. It was so messed up.

One Night With the King: Based off the Jewish story of Esther, a young Jewish girl in Persia brought to the palace after the queen is banished, bla bla bla, she marries the king because he thinks she's MAD sexy, and then she finds out Haman's crazy and wants to kill all the JEWS! So she forsakes protocol to save her people. Read the Bible if you want a better description than that.
Go to any hotel room. It's that or the book of Mormon. Take your pick.

1. The king was HORRIBLE! He was going for an angsty young rockerish Persian look, I think. He looked more like a male model than a king.

2. And during some duel thing he was wearing this hideous man skirt. It just OOOOZED masculinity.

3. And there was this weird nightmare scene where he was dreaming about gallows. It showed the king lying on his little bed, just showing him from the west up, and he's all sweaty, and he's tossing and turning, and it's like, "Wow, that's one good looking nightmare."

4. Whatever. He wasn't even hot. He was BUFF, though. Nice body. Though the sweat looked fake, like they'd oiled him or something.

5. There was this weird guy in the beginning who had a thing for Esther (excuse me, HADASSAH!), and he all hits on her, and then...and then...sorry, I'm laughing too hard to write it. But anyway, it was weird, like she had this whole epic romance with some other Jewish guy and it's like, "Was that in the Bible?"

6. The answer is NO.

7. Not like everything in a movie dramatization has to be word for word Scripture. But there was a lot of crap added that was like, "Where did you get YOUR research?"

8. Jesse didn't even LOOK Jewish. He was BLONDE and BLUEISH EYED.

9. Okay, I can say it now. Anyway, when all the young girls are being rounded up to go see the king (oooer), the young men are rounded up to become...EUNUCHS to serve the new queen.

10. As my brother so informed, it's not where they cut the entire thing off, just the balls. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

11. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

12. Esther had like a million of those eunuch's hitting on her. There was this Hagai guy and Jesse came back once he'd gotten over the shame of his manless-ness and they kept being all, "Hello, Esther...*wink wink wink*" Okay, that's only two. Whatever.

13. OMG, there was this part when Jesse is first working in the palace wearing his headscarf and earring, and he looks over and sees Esther and the look on his face says, "I'm so ashamed." It was perfect.

14. If you were giving a message to the queen in the middle of the night when it's pitch black and there's a thunderstorm going on, would you go up behind and grab her and put your hand over her mouth to prevent her from screaming?

15. Because Jesse did. It didn't make ANY sense.

16. There was A LOT going on about the king and Esther and how they were sO iN lOvE yOoOoOo. Uh, the king didn't really see Esther much at all, really. But in this movie, they sleep together every night and she's always sitting (I mean, RECLINING), in his lap.

17. There was this whole scene where it was Esther's "One Night With the King" (oooer) and she decides to read to him the story of Jacob and Rachel???? SUGGESTIVE CITY! He's all, "So I am Rachel and you are Jacob? Bla bla bla?" And she's all demure and, "NO, I didn't mean it THAT way, Your Highness."

18. While listening to her Genesis story, the king was all rubbing the heads of his idols and I was like, "Wth, is he playing with his dolls?" A very Dark Helmet moment.

19. The guard who tried to kill Esther for disobeying protocol looked very much like Djimon Hounsou...

20. We get it, Djimon, you're a scary black man.

21. The king thinks Esther's all having an affair with Mordecai (HER COUSIN!!!!) because she hugged him at a gate. Riiiiiight.

22. And he goes all emo and is like, "I thought I was your Rachel! But I am just your LEAH!" Again, read the Bible. Or go to Biblegateway.com or whatever and look it up.

23. Speaking of Mordecai, he (John Rhys-Davies) and Denethor (or John Noble...he will always be Denethor to me) were in it and there were like 3 Aragorn lookalikes. That and the acting and dialogue was so bad I thought I was watching a Peter Jackson film!!!

24. Oh, boooo, I insulted Peter.

I'm sorry if you disagree, but it was BAD.
My parents and brothers are watching "Spy Kids 3D". Must watch another crappy movie in which Elijah Woods makes a fool of himself. He's 36! Betcha didn't know that. Hope all the girls crushing on him knows he's almost 40...
I'm so cruel.
I wonder if pills can make my dreams stop being so weird...
Certain guy friend: *holding hands with other friend...who is of the opposite sex*
Me: NOOOOOOOO!
CGF: I don't even like her! *is wearing leather jacket*
Me: *remembers Britton saying: "It's all about the sleeves..."*