Sitting atop the crap heap

Wow. I've said so many times this year that 14 sucks, and you're probably getting annoyed and want me to, I don't know, get counseling or something, but I gotta say it again: 14 sucks SERIOUS BALLS. It's partly my fault, too. I guess I'm just setting myself up for failure. Ugh, I just feel a lot of pressure from all sides and school, the one thing that helped me take my mind off things, is just as bad.
It might have started with the disastrous parent/teacher conference this morning, but yesterday wasn't fun either. I just started stressing and I blew up, made decisions, changed my mind a million times, and got really tired. Like bone weary.
Aaaaaaaagh conference so NOT successful. I think my actual problem is I just really hate people, and I hate it when people get in my business. I'm sitting at the table cryin, and my teacher and my mom are all up in my face going, "Why are you doing so bad at school, Lauren? We know you can do it. Do you need help? We're going to get help." Aaaaargh I DON'T WANT HELP. How come whenever I ask for help it's never given or it's unsatisfactory, but when I want to go it alone people are jumping on my back offering tissues and counseling sessions. It was way depressing. Somehow I really don't think talking to a counselor is going to help me. I'm just going through a permanent stage of PMS that's not going to change any time soon.
French pisses me off. Really. I'm so sick of that class and some of the people in it and the teaching, so I was started stewing and not participating and dissing Mr. Caley under my breath, and Chelsea got pretty mad and moved seats.
I can only say thank God for my friends because I was really tired and depressedish in Pre-AP but then all my friends started cracking me up and being helpful in a non-direct way so that felt better.
Does stress increase or decrease estrogen? Cuz I'm full of something and it's driving me crazy. I miss the endorphins. Cutting yourself is so not worth it, but if I can get the endorphins back I'll be happy. Aaaaaagh I'm just all failurish, but then I'm also just feeling REALLY sorry for myself and being the victim and cursing 14, and I honestly don't want to deal with anything. I'd rather just sleep and let it get worse while I stay uninvolved, detached, aloof (Pre-AP word), crap like that.
I better get used to the view from the crap heap, though, because I still have 57 days before I feel like any of this is going to get better.

14 hath gone too far

Aaaargh. My day really sucked. I got a 69% on the math test. Dude, 69%!!!!! Ugh, I was so mad. Then I get to band and we have to do like 5 freaking worksheets on counting that were really tedious, and I drew a picture of liberated hamsters.
I've been in a bad mood since last night. I finally just got really tired of how emotional my life has been lately and some of the stuff that's going on. I ended up getting really mad (what else is new), like shaking with anger mad, and bawling. I felt and still feel really awful and messed up and I don't want to play the victim, but this is not my fault and I hate everything that's happening.
Aaaaargh.
I got candy, though. William gave me a huge portion of his candy, which was way nice. Some bastard threw an egg at him. >:P That made me really mad. I like how like 20 years ago you could go trick-or-treating without your parents and be completely safe, but now there's retards throwing eggs and crap.
I don't want to offend any gay people, but honestly, the word "faggot" SOUNDS like a really bad insult. I hate what it means, but if I'm mad at somebody, I would probably call them a faggot because it embodies anger pretty well. Who even thought up the faggot = gay thing? That's so lame. In England, it means cigarette or a bundle of sticks.
French sucks big time. Bla bla bla, no one gets it, no one cares either, and all we're learning is "Racism is bad" and how that somehow relates to sex and autism. WTH? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FRENCH??? IF I WANT TO GO TO AFRICA WHEN I'M OLDER, I NEED TO SPEAK THE FREAKING LANGUAGE, NOT SPEW OUT SOME BULL ABOUT RACISM AND SEX!!!!!!!!
Aaaaaargh. Just AAAAAAAAARGH. HOLY CRAP!!! Yes, I realize that was a lot of whining, a lot of, "Awwww, I'm a fourteen year old white girl with big social problems," and, "Why can't anyone heeeeelp meeeee?" So, I guess I'm sorry, but I'm really tired of disappointments. I really thought this was supposed to be a good year.
14 SUCKS.

You're all ridiculous

I'm trying not to put myself in a bad mood by imagining things that have not yet happened. Sort of like Anakin. Only I'm wearing a shirt.
Let's see. I finally got "Maximum Ride: School's Out --- Forever" from the library. However, I'd put a hold on it in JUNE and it was IN THE SHELVES? Wth???
Argh. I am ballin' at Corrals. No, not helping.
I'm finally going somewhere on my writing project. Sure. But I don't want to write it yet.
It's not working. I'm just really mad and I'm going to express it in a very immature, 14-year-old way.
I don't know what happened, or what exactly is going on, but this is freaking ridiculous. And I'm probably jumping to conclusions, which will lead to a big misunderstanding, and will make my life much more horrible than it already is.
But really? Grow some balls, everybody. Or some backbone.
I'm just mad at the world. And confused. And tired. And I do not want to go to school tomorrow because my teacher thinks I'm in the KKK probably.
Although I just finished my science homework and discovered that I do not suck at math.
That should count for something.
Viva la immature fourteen-year-olds.

She's nothing to me

First part of "Lacrymosa" totally reminds me of "Phantom Menace". Especially when the choir comes in.
Church was surprisingly good today. Emily was finally there and I haven't seen her in like 5 years. Not. But pretty close. Like 2 weeks????? Katie is pink. Anita is cream. I'm green. William is blue.
LACRYMOSA (And you can blame it on meeeeeeeee, set your guilt free ((high note)), I don't wanna hold you BAAAAACK NOOOOW LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!)
I swear, this song is flipping amazing.
There was just one thing at church that made me really mad and also made me want to throw up.
Even my mom thinks I suck at drums. Go figure.
My friends the fuzzies are back. Screw them. I just want to be done with this person.
I really hate 14. And that my parents were RIGHT about one thing.
If this is 14, 15's gonna suck.
Other than that, life's all good. Need to put up Fall Out Boy poster.
OMGEEEEEEEEEZ, this person obviously loves Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, too. AND she used "Your Guardian Angel" lyrics.
Ew, thinking about that song and the fuzzies from hell simaltaneously makes me puke.
I was going to write an FOB story, but I'm short on inspiration. Oh well, I've got plenty of free time. My first day of summer school's tomorrow. Woop dee doo. I'm going to need a sleeping aid.
Okay, slightly annoying, why do they keep saying every band is smexy? MCR = SMEXY! BERT = SMEXY! P!ATD! THEY'RE ALL SMEXY!
AAAAAAAAAAGH. Even Papa Roach is smexy.
I saw "Ratatouille". It was probably the best animated film I've ever seen, and the best movie I've seen all year. It's that good. The rats were so adorable. Linguine was really annoying. "OH, I JUST CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU! Oh, well, it's kinda crazy, but you know, I've got, well, heh heh, I've gotta a secret, and it's DISTURBING!" He wouldn't shut up. Skinner looked like a tiny french Prince. It was pretty funny. I kept waiting for him to burst out in song. PURPLE RAIN, PUUUUURPLE RAIN.
Amy Lee says certain words weird. Like on "Your Star", where she's all, "All my fears turn to rage," it sounds like, "All my feels tuln to rage."
Oooooooooooooh oh, but I wanna let it gooooo.
I hate Hinder!
Ew, I saw "The Derby Stallion" the other day. It was so horrible. I didn't even watch all of it. But there was all this stupid racial tension. Hello, this is practically a DISNEY movie. There's no such thing as racial tension! And Zac Efron played the exact same character he did in HSM. And then the girl kisses him and there's a really stupid exchange straight outta "Seventh Heaven".
Annoying Little Sister #1: Did she kiss him, mommy?
Mom (JUST LIKE THE ONE FROM 7TH HEAVEN): Uh, no, I think she's just checking his lips...
Dad: I do that sometimes. *chuckle*
Annoying Little Sister #2: Suuuuure.
IT WAS SO DUMB.
And of course Zac (his character's name was PATRICK, but whatever) didn't see it coming. She's all, "Hey, I wanna tell you something," and he leans down and is all, "What?" GUESS WHAT? GUESS WHAT? Well, now you KNOW WHAT. Loser.
What's with the mom and her lies of death? Sounds like sexual repression to me.

Pay up, big guy.

My dad and I don't always think the same way, despite the fact that I am his XX-chromosomed clone. No. There was going to be a 90 degree heat wave today: the news said to keep your pets inside, where it was shady, and give them plenty of water. So I refilled Luke's water bottle and was going to keep him inside all day.
So my dad let him out for me.
I caught him so he wouldn't be fried to a little gray crisp. Seriously.
Leather sandals aren't exactly prime bunny catching wear.
Totally clashed with my outfit, lol.
Going to Seattle, w00t. Not going to buy anything, but hey, it's all good. Seattle's the only reason I'm staying sane in this state. That and school and the fact that I'm only 14 and couldn't move out if I wanted to.
I was freaked out by really stupid, NOT SCARY urban legends in bed in my sleeping bag; I doubt I'm going to be okay by myself in my own apartment in Georgia. I'd run up the long distance bill calling my mom. And I HATE the phone.
The quest for $20 is over. It didn't take much. I just played "Family Fued" with my parents (the topic being "Reasons why teenagers want a $20 allowance), but it turns out they were cool with raising my allowance, they just didn't know how it would fit with budget. So now I'm receiving $35 ($5 my mom borrowed, $10 for painting the porch morgue gray >:P, and allowance) to do with as I please. And since Nathan decided to help me out with buying Harry Potter, GUESS WHAT THIS MEANS? THAT'S RIGHT! MISS POPULARITY SHALL BE MINE!
Buying that as soon as possible. Eeeee...
Heeey, the new J-14 is out. Don't know why I know this.
I want some Werthers. Or Haribo Coke Gummies. I ate 8 oz the other day. That kind of grossed me out. They tasted all cinnamony. Ewww.

Sometimes, you just gotta let it go...

OMGEEEZ! "Love Undercover" is totally my favorite book of all time now.
So a girl named Kaitlyn has a dad in the FBI and he brings home a kid named Blaine under the Witness Protection Program. And Blaine is just SO HOT (apparently looks just like Orlando Bloom), and everyone loves him. OH NO, Kaitlyn and Blaine fight! But it's okay, because she saves him from a hitman and he wants to work out a long distance relationship. Oh, and she writes him the best letter:
Dear Blaine,
I hope you don't mind me writing you like this. You left so abruptly and there are a lot of things I want to say. It's strange not being able to walk down the hall when I want to talk to you. But I'm happy that everything worked out and you got to go back home safely.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't like you. You know, in THAT way. I feel embarrassed writing this down on paper, but it's the truth. I like you. I've liked you from the moment I met you. Even as I was trying to karate chop you to oblivion, I was secretly thinking, "Wow, this guy is amazing." And the more I got to know you, the more amazing you became. You're so smart, caring, funny, and of course, cute. Okay, cute is probably not a strong enough word to describe you. But I think I'll stop there, because I'm already blushing about fifty shades of red.
I wish things could've worked out differently between us. Call it a colossal case of bad timing. Or call it a twist of fate. I know I should accept that and move on, but, still, I keep wondering "What if?" That one kiss we shared was...unbelievable. I wish there could have been more.
To be totally honest, I've never felt this way about anyone before. And it will probably be a long time before I feel this way again. I realize this doesn't mean a lot right now. But I wanted you to know.
Yours,
Kaitlyn
Hehehe. Go buy it.
AAAAAAAAAAAH, I HATE THE SPURS! I HATE TONY PARKER! NOOOOOOO! I mean, it was kind of inevitable that they would win, because of the three game lead, but I WANTED LEBRON!
Everyone in the crowd is booing really loudly. BOOOOO! BOOO!
Chant with me now: TONY PARKER SUCKS! TONY PARKER SUCKS! TONY PARKER SUCKS!
I just really hate them.
So Marie is here, I made a cheesecake, bought TWO new CDs (Cartel and Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, only I've only listened to Cartel, and they're okay, but "A" is the longest song ever.) And then we went to Albertson's. THere's a new J-14. I must buy it, but I have no money. :( I started reading it. Yeah, Zanessa went scuba diving. Long live Zanessa!
I hate John Stamos, too.
AAAAAGH, the math final was SO EASY! I'm almost done, and I got all worked up for nothing. I hate math. I've gone from hating it to loving it to hating it again. And it's all my math teacher's fault.

Your Inner Pop Princess Is Kelly Clarkson

"Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window Dreaming of what could be" No doubt about it, you have star quality. Might just take a while to get there.

Who's Your Inner Pop Princess?

Only she's not blonde now... Kelly isn't much of a pop princess. Shoot me if I'm wrong.
TONY PARKER MUST DIE!
Oooh, a whole slew of new quizzes...
Is my family disfunctional?
Hm...results pending...

Your Family Is 50% Dysfunctional

Your family definitely has some problems, but probably nothing that can't be overcome. You don't have the greatest past with your family, and bad feelings may arise when everyone's together. It may take some individual or group therapy to work everything out. And that means your family has to admit there's a problem. If your family isn't ready to change, you may need to give them some distance for a while.

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

Eh? Whatever...
Wow, a quiz to see if I'm a high maintenance pain in the neck woman.
"Mates, Dates, and Inflatable Bras" is a weird book.
Just a heads up.
None of these answers are what I would do. A guy offers to buy you a drink. "Sorry, I'm under 21, but a Dew would be nice..."

You Are Low Maintenance

Otherwise known as "too good to be true" You're one laid back chica - and men love that! Just remember that no good guy likes a doormat. So if you find your self going along to get along... Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.

Are You A High Maintenance Woman?

Hm. Good for future reference.
Not.
Seeing as I've never had a boyfriend, how is this going to help?
Wait. That made no sense.
14 sucks. I'm totally obsessing this year. Or not so much obsessing as asking weird questions, like I've mentioned before. 14 still sucks. But still, I asked a question and it led to a discussion in which I'm allowed to date before I'm 16 if it's right for me and it's what God wants.
:O
HOW COME I WASN'T AWARE OF THIS?
Ooooh, and the best part: My mom, someone TOTALLY against relationships where the age difference is over 1 year, was cool with me dating someone older. AT 14, SHE'D BE COOL WITH A 17 YEAR OLD! Wha? How am I NOT picking up on this? And she was like, "No, I'm not against relationships like that." Not true. Whenever we watch TV and a 16-year-old is going out with an 18-year-old, she gets mad.
Sooooooo if as a freshman I picked up a senior, and I prayed about it, that would be cool?
Not like I could "pick up" anyone, much less a senior, but this scenario just doesn't work for me, especially with MY father.
I DISAGREE WITH THIS!

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back. You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

How Feminine Are You?

I'm disgustingly masculine, but not exactly ashamed of it. Girls suck. Probably the reason I'm not a lesbian: I hate girls/being a girl.
Hm, what's my pick up line? Questions, questions.
Wow, there is no doubt I will never use this.

Your Pick Up Line Is

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your jeans.

What Pick Up Line Will Get You a Man?

Hm, subtle. I also got, "You've been a BAD boy! Now go to MY room!"
The fun of 14 continues...

He stands alone because he's high on himself

Random FOB tidbit: Yesterday was Andy Hurley's birthday! He's 27. And Patrick Stump was like 17 when he created Fall Out Boy with Pete and Joe. And I'm listening to "Evening Out Your Girlfriend" and his voice is GOOD. I'm so glad he's not drummer anymore, although I've never heard him drum. But on "Honorable Mention", he's doing some really cool vocal things and it's like, "Wooooow..."
Yeah.
Enough about him.
I haven't played Harvest Moon since Sunday.
15 MORE DAYS LEFT OF SCHOOL!
Amanda and I have to finish our Civil War newspaper. And I have a science experiment to do AND a weather analysis thing. I did this exact same project in sixth grade.
Ew. I remember sixth grade.
That is what I think of when I think of hell.
Actually, that was a lie.
When I think of hell, I think of the stereotypical fire and brimstone, with Satan (blonde angel in a black robe; formed from a picture in a Bible book when I was 4 or 5) laughing and...that's it.
Anyway, though.
We had Showcase today. Where all the teachers decide to show everybody how much their kids have grown and what they've learned this year. Awwww, how sweet. I wish Mrs. Moon had let us do those Mini book summaries in seventh grade. I AM SO PSYCHED FOR NEXT YEAR! I'm going to have Mrs. Sims and I heard she was really tough, but she knows a lot about writing and we're going to dig deeper into Romeo and Juliet and To Kill A Mockingbird. And make a mask. :( I'm not exactly artistic... I liked the Spiderman masks. They were cool.
I AM SO NOT PSYCHED FOR THIS SUMMER!
Hm, July 10 - August 10 = Summer School. July 28???-2??? or something = Creation. August 9 - 12 = Cispus leadership camp. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. So I don't have very much summer.
BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT!
I hope.
Did Patrick Stump just tell someone to go to hell? SHAME!
WHERE CAN I GO WHEN I WANT YOU AROUND, BUT I CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND YOU?
My mom and I are going to party tonight. Maybe with Arby's 5 for $5 deal and chick flicks. YESH!
I've been making my mom really uncomfortable lately. I mean, she's a nurse, and I've been asking random questions about the body, not because I'm all paranoid that I'll die of excessive thyroid secretion or something, but because I'm seriously curious. I hope this doesn't mean I'll be a doctor when I grow up. I hate bad smells and squishy sounds. But my body was being all weird and I just wanted to know why and she would explain it all exasperatedly and I'd be like, "Oooooooh. So how about them thyroids?" Mostly just questions they ask on "House M.D.". Cool show, when people's balls aren't exploding. That was the one time I did puke. And I have to close my eyes during the surgery parts. But other than that I like it.

,

There is something wrong with the number 14. I swear, it's even more cursed than the number 23. Because life was all good until I turned 14, and now it SUCKS.
WHY?????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?
CAN I HAVE AT LEAST ONE EMO GUY OR A TEACHER THAT ACTUALLY GETS ME AND DOESN'T ASSUME I'M A FREAKING MORON?
I think this is becoming a pattern. Every four days or something some stupid emotional trauma strikes.
*shock* LIKE AT MY CHURCH.
Oooooooh, burn, that was mean, I should be nicer...
NOT.
I don't know, maybe it was the orthodontist both tightening my braces AND making me wear stupid rubber bands that make my mouth feel like a war zone: bloody and painful.
Then there was that STUPID basketball game.
And that's mostly why I'm so mad.
My coach didn't play me. At all. Ever. The whole game.
BECAUSE I'M NOT A PART OF THIS STUPID TEAM.
I mean, I'm not exactly NEEDED on the team. I'm obviously not GOOD enough because I didn't MAKE the team in the first place! Two girls had to QUIT before I was even CONSIDERED.
So I'm basically just an 11th wheel.
Oooooooh boy. Hooooow fun.
And it's not like I was annoyed enough already. I'm failing science...AAAAND math...AAAAAAND band.

Pete Wentzness

I'm still pretty much destined to be with Joe from Fall Out boy. I do like Patrick's sideburns, though. I really feel like taking that test again.
There are no more hot Pockets. And I didn't wake up early enough to go to the commissary, so I don't get to buy Phish Food. :(
Ew, Fall out Boy is messed up.
I kind of want their new Cd, though...
This font is weird and it's freaking me out.
Joe Trohman...
Pete is mad about the "emo scene".
Um...whatever, Pete.
Wow, Joe is currently 23. Not sure this is going to work.
Hm.....
I'm thinking of writing another book.
That probably won't work out so well.
OMGEEEEZ, Joe is a STAR WARS FANATIC!
And he and Pete cofounded Fall out Boy.
Poor Patrick.
Pete: Hey, don't put Dance Dance on the Kidz Bopz CD.
Kidz: Why?
Pete: um, there's a...sexual overtones?
Kidz: Cool, what are those?
AAAAAAAAAGH, JOE IS 5'10"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSSSSSSS!
I guess I'm a Trohmaniac, then.
Hehehe. I love wikipedia.