Just like...blah.

It's been a weird day.
I found out my friend's dad died last week.
I haven't seen her in a while, and we all knew it was going to happen, but I just found out about it this morning.
But from what I hear, she seems fine.
Well, she's SAD.
But it's not as though her dad just died.
And I know it's a front, and I haven't exactly "been there" for her through all this, but she's sort of closed herself off from everyone except for a select few.
So she's sad, it sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it.
My dad told me that when a guy likes a girl, he often has a backup.
I mean, if you set your sights on one girl alone and she rejects you, well, that would hurt.
So always have a Plan B!
It sounds sort of terrible, but it struck me as funny when he said it.
I don't know. I suppose it might have crushed me a while ago.
It explains some things.
But I don't feel like complaining about how "jacked up" boy culture is.
Girls are just as bad, something Women's Studies does a very good job of pointing out, though that's not Mrs. Taylor's objective.
So I'm gonna get my life together in the mean time.
Focus on the stuff that's actually important.
According to Matthew 6:25-34, everything God has planned will happen when he wants it to, when I seek first his kingdom.
I was thinking on the bus ride home about how weird it is that so many seniors will be leaving youth group at the end of the year, after I JUST go to know them.
Then it will be time for me, and then COLLEGE.
And WSU seems too isolated, but UW and OC are not places I could EVER see myself, and, though I love Colorado, every time I think of leaving home I start to puke.
It turned into this huge worryfest, but my mom managed to talk me through it.
Because God HAS A PLAN FOR ME, one to give me a hope and a future.
And what he has is SO MUCH BETTER than anything I could ever dream of.
And he'll put me at the best possible college. But we're not at that part of the journey yet. I've still got 2 years. And they'll be good ones.

Remember this?

I did this a couple years back. I kind of wanted to see what had changed in 4 years...
Put your music on shuffle (itunes, etc.) and answer each question with whatever comes up.

What does next year have in store for me?
"In the Light", dc Talk
How insightful. My eyes'll be opened to new possibilities and all that jazz.

What does your love life look like?
"Battery", Metallica
Oh dear. It appears I might end up in an abusive relationship. Great. Mrs. Lutz warned me and warned me.

What do I say when life gets hard?
"Wishes and Dreams", Stellar Kart
Yep...that's something an INFP would say.

What do I think when I get up in the morning?
"Calm Before the Storm", Fall Out Boy
Ha ha, how depressing. Although I'm not sure about the line, "He's well hung and I am hanging on." I'm trying not to take that line literally, but wouldn't that hurt?

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
"What Time Is It", HSM 2 cast
:D BEST. WEDDING. EVER!

What do you want as a career?
"Be My Escape", Relient K
I don't being God is a career option.

Your favorite saying?
"The Thenardier Waltz of Treachery", Les Miserables Original Broadway Cast
Hm, I guess I don't trust people too well, especially potential child molestors.

Favorite place?
"May the Horse Be With You", Relient K
The stable!? Awesome! I haven't been there in a while, though. :(

What do you think of your parents?
"I Got Nerve", Hannah Montana
Hmmm, I'm so rebellious, they're just holding me back!

Where would you go on a first date?
"Fridy Night", Slick Shoes
Well, it would be on a Friday, and we'd just go party, from the looks of things.

Drug of choice?
"Kill the Grey", Olivia the Band
Depression? Melancholy? Numbness? Appropriate choices.

Describe yourself:
"Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?", Fall Out Boy
HA! That pretty much says it all.

What is the thing I like doing most?
"Freedom", Fresh Digress
Dancing with my brothers and sisters in Christ? I guess that's all right...

The song that best describes the president?
"Facedown", The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
:O THAT'S TERRIBLE! I don't think Obama beats his wife...however...if the "she" in the song is the USA, he definitely feels like a man when he pushes "her" around. JERK!

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
"Awakening", Seven Places
I love this song... It's a pastor listing the Seven Places that Jesus bled for us when he died. My friend's dad is dying, and we've been praying for her... That's definitely been on my mind. Hm. Sad.

How will I die?
"Things We Go Through", Hawk Nelson
I'll die from the stress of life's little problems, like getting rejected by the girl I like and running away from home.

What’s your deepest , darkest secret?
"Lithium", Evanescence
I'M A MORBIDLY DEPRESSED DRUG ADDICT.

What am I doing right now?
"Dream Seasons", Blackalicious
Dreaming about the future, I guess...which isn't totally off.

Multitasking is not allowed.

Yeah, thanks.
I probably shouldn't complain about my internet when I'm making it more difficult by having 6 windows open at a time. Ha HA!
Mr. Kovacs always said it was impossible to multitask, because you can't have your full attention on more than one thing at once, so you're just flipping back and forth between projects while subconciously doing others.
And he didn't reccomend it, because you ended up doing a sloppy job on everything.
But who cares?
Anyway, he was supposed to teach me math, not life lessons.
And he taught math rather well.
And I was surprised to find he was an Anti-Gore conservative.
Not to mention a Christian! Cool!
So is another math teacher at Oly, but I haven't had him yet...and I don't want him. :P
My mom and I had a really good talk about stuff. William's at Great Wolf Lodge with a friend and Dad's in THE ZONE, so he doesn't feel like socializing.
In fact, he's MULTITASKING by listening to a recording of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" while painting William's room a girly shade of red.
William doesn't know yet.
But my mom read an article in Christianity Today that made a case for early marriage.
Because your bodies are ready to make babies and most guys are just going to go out and bang someone anyway.
Um...okay?
And then the author said stuff that sort of contradicted his argument.
Like, there's a shortage of young Christian men.
....
All right, but doesn't that mean you should wait.
No, his point was you need to snatch one up before another girl gets him.
Oh. Well, that's comforting. No pressure.
And he didn't hold guys to any standard whatsoever.
Cuz, you know, guys need to get it out SOMEhow.
But that's not really fair.
If a guy messes up ("I just couldn't help it!"): Aw, shucks. Well, at least you tried. We know how HARD it was for you.
If a girl messes up ("I just couldn't help it!"): What do you MEAN you couldn't help it? You should have prayed! You obviously don't trust God enough! Harlot!
My dad gets mad whenever I say this because he thinks I'm taking a feminist approach and am being unfair to young men, because it's harder for them.
Yeah. And it is harder.
But it's also true that a young Christian man "made a mistake", but a young Christian girl will be forgiven, but can never get her virginity back.
I don't know. There's more emphasis put on a girl's virginity and how vastly important it is.
That word isn't used as much around guys. The focus is just "staying pure" in general.
It might not sound like a big difference, but it is.
Argh, and the stupid Catholic argument against birth control still drives me insane!
Onan spilled his semen because he was selfish and knew the kid he fathered wouldn't be considered his; it would be his brother's kid.
It's not as if he was like, "Oh, well, I don't think I'm financially ready to have a child! And my career's just taking off, and I don't feel like staying home and raising kids, not to mention changing diapers."
And how Catholics think birth control is "evil" and "sinning", but other Christians look down on it, because the couple using it "obviously doesn't trust God enough NOT to give him a child". "He's in charge of your fertility, isn't he? Why can't you trust that he WON'T give you a kid?"
That's a fairly valid point, but it's also like saying, "You have cancer and you're STILL taking chemo? Don't you trust that God will heal you without all that?"
Why WOULDN'T you take efforts to heal yourself??
And you wouldn't want to take a chance if you're UNABLE to care for this child, like, gee, struggling financially? Or already have A BILLION KIDS?
And some couples feel convicted, that God has planned for them to have a *cough* LARGE number of children.
But that's not the case for everyone.
Argh. It seems like I can't post anymore without it becoming a crazy emotional rant of some kind about "beliefs" and "what it means to be American"...
...or something to that degree.
I think.
I need to get it out! Otherwise, my brain will explode!
Today was...a REALLY good day.
Except for it suddenly getting really hot in the little kid's room. And it was pretty stifling in the gym.
But I was in a strangely good mood today. Like...giddy and bubbly. Rather strange.
Anyway, we went down to Kidstuf and sang songs (which the kids hated and refused to dance to while all the teens dance maniacally) and explained what happened on the trip.
It seemed a TAD pointless (most of them were in 1st grade and none of them were listening...), but it was fun.
Then lunch, with the sun shining, then girl talk, and such.
I don't know. Good day.
Okay, there's more: another rant coming up.
My mom and I were still on the subject of marriage when we got onto compatibility, and it turns out COMPATIBIILITY DOESN'T MATTER.
Because, while it might help, even a relationship between two "soul mates" won't work if they're not willing to put in the effort.
Ha, like Pastor Barry. "Love isn't a feeling. It's hard work!"
And relationships between "incompatible" couples end up turning into amazing, loving marriages.
Like, gee...my parents? Exact opposites.
Oh, and my grandparents.
Which sort of debunks the theory that my "soulmate" is an ENFJ.
Oh well.
Which means I'll end up marrying an ESTJ.
YES!!!
Awwwww......this quote is sort of adorable.
Or possibly the cutest thing I've heard in a long time.
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." -Dr. Seuss

Thank you, Sam Pratt!

For the friend suggestion.
At first I was like, wtf? But you know best, apparently.
Emma and I went "shopping" yesterday.
Meaning we complained about consumerism and America while wandering about the mall, where we went to three stores before getting stuck in Barnes and Noble.
Good times.
She bought me a book, which was nice.
Even though the book ended up being about the futility of the "intelligent design" argument and how Christians can (and should) square their beliefs with evolution, because evolution is right. Even the Bible says so.
Um, right.
They did make a couple of good points, I must admit, about proven fact and theories.
But I find it annoying that people that believe in evolution assume Christians believe what the people back in Darwin's day believed: that Genesis 1:1 meant that God LITERALLY created everything in the beginning, including every species of every animal ever.
Which I think is sort of ignorant. Because it's been proven that speciation and mutation DOES occur, but that doesn't disprove the theory that God made the earth.
And it doesn't prove that all those species come from a common ancestor (a sponge).
And it certainly doesn't mean that all existence exploded into being from nothing.
Which is sort of what the intelligent design theory is. But there's God involved, not...nothing.
So I wish a lot of people, especially my science teachers, would stop saying things like, "Adaptation happens! Mutation happens! Therefore, you're wrong! Oh, and we found fossils!"
And I wish loudmouth Christians who have no idea what they're talking about would stop standing by the old school Genesis 1:1 theory. Because it's not true.
And they certainly don't take everything else in the Bible that literally, such as Revelation.
It was weird to see how the book twisted the parable of the talents into a pro-evolution argument.
Just like the Catholics twisted an unrelated Bible story around their anti birth control argument. I still don't know where I stand on birth control, but I think their argument is absolute CRAP.
So whatever. My God is big enough for speciation and mutation and everything else. He made organisms infinitely complex, so of course he could have made it so animals *gasp* CHANGE OVER TIME!
And of course he's big enough for evolution, and some people use that argument.
But I'm still not inclined to believe we came from monkeys, even though that's easier to swallow than the "fact" that cows and whales are related.
Of course...
Anyway. Enough of that rant.
My dad thinks I might be in a cult.
Or at least dabbling in some kind of forbidden spirituality.
Because there was a test on this awesome personality profile thing I found that compared your personality to the personality you SHOULD have according to your zodiac.
And I already don't believe in that kind of thing. My horoscope is wrong half the time, and if not, why is it that my supposedly "Virgo" older brother is one of the most extraverted people ever? And my "Aquarius" dad one of the least friendly?
So the test showed that I only fit one of five Capricorn requirements. In short, I am the worst excuse for a Capricorn this world has ever seen.
I met a guy yesterday who put a lot of stock in the zodiac, and was like, "Yeah, well, we Libras get along so well."
Only I had to tell him I wasn't a Libra. And he said he never would've pegged me for a Capricorn.
Well, yeah, go figure.
Anyway, I showed my dad, because I found it fascinating...and kind of funny.
But, as usual, he focused on ONE detail rather than the whole picture, the whole picture being that I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE ZODIAC and I'd showed him the test because IT BASICALLY PROVED HOW WRONG IT WAS.
Actually, if it proved anything, it showed what a freak of nature I am.
But my dad decided to focus on the fact that the zodiac itself is "dangerous" and I shouldn't be dabbling in stuff like that.
?????
Ooooooooookay, dad. Thanks once again for listening.
He never actually listens to the stuff I'm telling him, only what he thinks he hears.
Argh. Frustrating.

PG-13 is the new R.

Meaning my life is PG, thank you.
Wow. Youth Group. Fun.
We got into a rather heated discussion over whether or not gay men should be pastors.
And it got ugly quite fast.
It all started when this one girl asked whether or not a girl could be a youth pastor, which brought as right on back to 1 Timothy 2:12, a verse I'd had Sunday School teachers dispute over in past years.
"Oh, well, women can cut their hair as short as they want it, but they can't lead in the church!"
Why would you disregard one verse and adamantly preach another?
Argh. Sorry. But it still bugs me.
Anyway, we sort of skirted past the "women leading the church" issue, when another girl asked if a gay man could be a pastor.
Her reasoning: He wasn't a woman, and God was all-loving and all-forgiving, so surely he could look past his gayness and let this man lead.
That's when all hell broke loose.
Some of the more opinionated people took charge in explaining (rather passionately) what the Bible said about homosexuality.
One of the not-so-sensitive (ahem) homeschoolers BERATED this girl for not knowing all that the Scripture said about this issue.
A few people (including myself) tried to speak up and got knocked out the way.
Some of the more neutral and quieter people got very uncomfortable and hid in the background, waiting for our hour to be over.
And then our leader decided to read a very long passage about not just homosexuality, but all sin, and how sinners would be dealt with if they did not repent.
You could see the girl getting madder and madder until she just stopped listening.
Then she left.
AAAAAAAAAGH of course this is the ONE issue I have trouble with, and I wanted to talk the girl personally, because, with my big ego, I was convinced I could get her to understand without being agressive and shoving Scripture down her throat.
But then some people accused me of being too soft and PC, and told me that we can't always spoonfeed people, and that they have to know the truth, and God's word will always be hard for some people to swallow.
And I don't disagree with Janine reading the Scripture. But after all that had been said already, a reading of the entire first chapter of Romans didn't seem like a good idea to me, and just made things worse.
And yeah, this is her issue. And yeah, Christians are pretty good at offending people and sometimes it's necessary if we're going to stand up for what we believe in.
But some of what was said was NOT necessary.
Gah.
So. That's fun. We're going to WSU, and hopefully won't get ticketed for not having snow tires.
It's just slush. I think we'll be okay.
But I'm pretty pumped. It's going to be freezing cold and my brother is going to be busy all weekend, but we get to eat out, so who needs him?
I just want school to start up again.
If only jazz band wasn't so early....

She loves you, and you know that can't be bad

She loves you, and you know you should be glad, OOOOOOOO.
Michael Moscovitz looks much better after a little plastic surgery, thanks for asking.
Argh, Stateside.
It started off as my friends pressuring me to go.
Then Janine got in on it.
Then God went, "Surprise. Guess who's side I'm on?"
But you can't argue with him.
So I started filling out the application, and realized that I really do want to go.
Not just because Sierra's going, and not just because it will be the last time I see Kristine, but because I finally realized I can't be closed off forever and that I need more friends, since Kristine is leaving and that's what the body of Christ is about anyway.
And I've never been on a missions trip and this will be a cool experience.
My parents are all for it, and are ready to back me up financially. It was pretty cool last night, because I was worried about money and different factors regarding the trip, and my empathetic Thinker mom explained to me why they were supporting me while my Feeler dad sat on the floor just listening and pretending he needed tissues for his allergies.
But filling out the application was still pretty scary, because I realized if I'm completely honest, they might not let me go. Up until this point (okay, it still continues to this day), I've had sort of a bad attitude regarding the youth group and I know Ben has picked up on that, so when he reads parts of my application (there were questions like, "Why do you come to Primetime?" and "Do you have any personal problems with anyone in the Youth Group?" that gave me pause), he might interpret it negatively.
Which scares the crap out of me.
But I've been praying about it since last night and worst case scenario is can't go: there's always next year, and now I know what I need to work on.
Phew.

You Are the Communicator

You are a collector and facilitator of knowledge. You love storytelling and teaching. You light up when you're around other people, and you especially light up in front of a crowd. You are a charismatic person who's genuinely a joy to be with. You remind others to have fun. You love life, and you're wake up grateful for every new day. This attitude makes the people around you love life as well.

What's Your Life's Mission?

You Are a Chocolate Cupcake

You are deep, richly interesting, and at times overpowering. You have a strong personality. You are drawn to people who adore you. You love it when your specialness is recognized. You are like a cupcake because it's hard for people to get enough of you. You have a mysterious charm that makes you incredibly addicting. People are drawn to your drama.

What Flavor Cupcake Are You?

Baby, we're not buying

It seems that just when I think everything is good and I've got it all figured out, Ben points out something I've done wrong.
Not that he means to.
But he often knows what he's talking about...more so than I do.
And apparently I can't share my feelings with anyone without crying.
Woo, estrogen!!
No wonder my dad freaks out at me a lot.
Yeah.
"So Close" by John McLaughlin is my favorite song right now. It's adorable...and driving me crazy.
My favorite part of "Enchanted" is when Patrick Dempsey starts singing that song to Amy Adams, and she starts crying.
And then Idina Menzel and James Marsden cut in.
The sermon was so good today. It was about Hannah and her problems conceiving, and how much Elkanah loved her.
And Pastor Barry actually made it possible for us to feel sorry for the other wife, who was so mean to Hannah.
I mean, you would be mean to her, too, if your husband didn't love you.
Not to excuse it, or anything.
And then Hannah's desire for a son was a God-given desire...but he'd closed her wound and was waiting for his timing.
Then, when she gave up her first born, he blessed her 5 times over, with 5 more kids she hadn't even expected.
The people behind me had a 4-year-old daughter and they started crying.
And then they sang some really good songs. I love Sundays.